Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Kenley Ruins Everything

Jenny swears she'll tell the whole story to Rufus in a more linear less retarded way tomorrow, but to let her have to tonight to do the one thing that will make the difference for her entire life, and he starts looking at her clothesrack and she almost shivs him and screams, "STOP! We're putting on a guerilla fashion show!" I ... have waited my entire life to say that, just that way. Dan's like, "I don't know what that means," which is hilarious, because it means nothing except that Jenny understands if you don't eat the licorice ring immediately, all licorice rings will cease to exist. She says this, by the way, with a Brooklyn-appropriate Fucking Kenley Hat on her head like the doilies of the damned, or those velvet dresses that come on the dolls your grandma buys you that come alive at night.

"Okay, dipshit. I made these dresses, because I make dresses. Agnes is going to model them, because she's a model, and her friends are going to help, because they are also models. I am going to pay them in cocaine and dreams. This can only happen tonight, and if it doesn't, the planets will move out of alignment and the Skeksis will reign over our world for another thousand years. Got me?" Agnes comes in and gives them the best look: "Are we busted now or what?" Word, Agnes! Jenny begs insanely and Dan holds her fate in his hands just as long as he fucking feels like it before saying he's going to keep thinking about it elsewhere, and stalks off, leaving Jenny twisting as bad as he possibly could. He actually gives her the "sit/stay" hand as he's leaving, like she's a dog. Nate looks at her like "oh, girl" and she bites her lip in a fiercely adorable fashion.

Serena pours over all the pictures of Aaron-Bobby dressed as Cecil the Caterpillar that she apparently saved for the last ten years despite last week taking six hours to remember that Switzerland even exists. Blair comes in bitching at Serena about how she has once again ruined Blair's life, but ... I'm not sold on the writing for Blair this week, frankly, because there's not another layer going on here, she's just being a cunt because she's stressed, and if you keep pushing that button you lose the power of that button, which is showing how deep into meltdown she actually is, which ... this week, she's not that deep into meltdown. We're not learning anything about her, because she spends the episode being a bitch out of proportion to her motivation to be a bitch, and there's not a second layer here, so you have to imagine in your head that she's going back to the Yale jealousy from a few weeks ago, except that's not how Blair works.

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Gossip Girl

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