Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Kenley Ruins Everything

"Why don't you just occupy her for a while? Take her to the charity gala. When you get there, you can say you didn't know how lame it would be. Then it's time for her to go home. You're off the hook." This is why Serena always, always rules. Blair smiles adoringly at her, and Emma comes in talking about how she built an itinerary based on reading Gossip Girl: "I'm thinking we hit Socialista before Beatrice..." Blair grins at Serena, because she now has the option of thinking and smiling, because that's what Serena gives her: "See what I'm dealing with?"

"Emma," Blair says in her least-patronizing tone, "I was thinking, where is the glory in bedding down with some dirty Manhattan hipster who's probably filming you on the nannycam? You really want to make Muffy jealous? Have your flower plucked by one of the elite." So so gross, so so true. Emma's like, "Point me to the elite dick." Serena tells her they will, but distracts her further by offering her closet. Emma squeals like a girl who always wanted cool older sisters, or a mom, and dives in headfirst. Serena shakes her head and grins, and B is like, "I am so in love with you all the time!"

Dan waits at the Bedford Gallery Café and Jerkoff Refuge, and Vanessa's like, "These people in this café with their constant wanting to exchange money for goods and services! It is unfair!" Dan begs her to give him some advice about the Jenny situation, and Vanessa wisely counsels him to keep his stupid mouth shut, because Jenny is wrong and in fact this is not the end of the world, which cuts both ways: "Whatever this whole fashion show thing is, it sounds like she put a lot of work into it." Dan's like, "So we all just ... cover for her? You, me, Nate?" Vanessa awkwardly and abruptly tells him not to put her name in a sentence with Nate's even when it makes sense to do so, because how insensitive, and Dan's like, "Are you seriously bitching at me for taking Nate out of an electricity-free abandoned building?"

Vanessa admits that even she cannot derive ethical superiority from that circumstance, but Dan's equally dumb for asking if that's why she hasn't come to visit. Like because Dan did a good thing, her relationship with Nate should be fine. Of course, the psycho victim logic of that, she totally nods like it's valid, and Dan pushes her: "Just tell me. Do you still have feelings for him?" YOU BLOCKHEAD. What in the free-range organic fuck do you think? What a stupid goddamned conversation. I hate these guys! Vanessa gets very drama queeny and does some kind of interpretive dance about their epic love affair that lasted three seconds and mostly involved him fucking somebody else for money while she moped around stupidly, and Dan's like, "Fine. But Nate is awesome." Oh, Dan. You totally just pushed the Vanessa Abrams button of all time! Do not threaten V's judgments of who is good and who is bad! It will fuck you up! "It's funny how you're ready to condemn your sister, but Nate, who's done some pretty questionable things, gets a free pass."

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Gossip Girl




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