Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Kenley Ruins Everything

Seriously, whatever else is going on? Vanessa is really good at being Vanessa Abrams. I dare you to diagram that sentence or otherwise translate it into a system of symbolic logic whereby those two things are related, because really what she's saying is, "I was already on Jenny's side because I am also a dropout and I believe in Agnes's bizarre illusion where fifteen year olds are the backbone of the entire artistic economy, but now I'm twice as on her side because you're dating my ex! You have been revealed as a bad person!"

Dan says that, in their meeting of the Special Judgmental People's Club, he is not judging Jenny for lying, because people lie. Dan does it all the time. He's not judging her, you see, he's saving her from the trouble she is about to get into by making some sort of "huge, life-altering mistake." Sorry, what? Does Dan think "guerilla" in this instance means like the classic Three-Phase Maoist People's War? Propaganda, escalating attacks against the military and vital institutions, and all-out conventional overthrow? Because yes, that would be a life-altering routine to pull, as a fifteen-year-old girl. As would a "gorilla" fashion show, because while they are gentle creatures they are also wild animals, and Jenny might not know how much caution to exercise during the show itself. Otherwise I don't know what he means, but it doesn't matter, because BOOM that's how he fucked everything up for everybody: "Who's about to make a huge mistake?" Rufus says, entering suddenly, and Dan and Vanessa, being of stronger ethical stuff than the rest of us, are too dumb to lie or cover it up in any way, and so must push Rufus's Parenting button, which is large and the shiniest cherry red, and has no sense of context.

Emma comes out wearing a lovely red Serena dress I recognize, and Chuck appears in the foyer wearing a totally cute plaid suit. He immediately introduces himself, and Emma's like, "...Bass... Oh my God, I read about you on Gossip Girl! You're like the devil!" Well, for the love of God just don't go up to the roof with him and drink a bottle of champagne and get yourself kissed, because if you do, people will never shut up about it, because nothing makes us feel more heroic than obsessively bitching about rape in order to set themselves apart from the rest of the so disgustingly pro-rape world. What was that old Poehler joke? "Asking Chuck about the rape that never happened is like forcing Jenny to not get raped all over again." Chuck loves the "you're the devil" thing, and chats her up a bit; she says she's going to the gala and hopes he's "coming," but Chuck says the only thing he likes that aged is scotch. "Blair told me it was all hot guys." Chuck says she's been taking for the first of a series of rides tonight, and closes in on her; he hands off a tiny present to the butler Buckman that Serena had waiting with concierge, and congratulates Emma on hooking herself a Bass.

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Gossip Girl




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