Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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We Are Curious

I don't want to ask you if you don't have to ask meIf you can't talk to me, then who you talking to?

The very pretty "Questions And Panthers" by One For The Team as everybody gets ready. Lots of lip gloss and makeup and jewelry, everybody fixing everybody else up. It's fun. Dressing up is fun. The angles flip back and forth between Jenny's group and Blair supervising Kira's preparations. It's all jeweltones this year, they look great. GG springs the news about Jenny's new escort, and assures the ladies of the UES that they'll be kissing her ring by the end of the night. And Jenny looks in the mirror, feeling nuts and once again completely out of control, and puts the gun to her head: "Goodbye, Jenny from Brooklyn."

Are you willing to try? Are you willing to try?
Because I know it's hard to make it on your own

"Somebody To Love" by Leighton Meester, with Robin Thicke (Awesomely: "I'ma turn this gossip girl into a woman") plays over a terrible dorm party: Keg stands, children dancing. Olivia, Dan and Vanessa take jewel-toned shots: Red, Green and Blue. (Hint!) Vanessa watches Dan put a lime in Olivia's mouth without using his hands, and they all shudder from the alcohol. Olivia smergs, "This is even more amazing than dancing in the fountain!" and, not to be outdone in dorkiness, Dan does an amazing dance while she answers her phone: "Don't do any mind-altering substances without me!" They agree, and Dan spins around, and they gad about and talk about whether or not it's going to work and keep Olivia from leaving, and then Tim.

"I knew you were trouble, Humphrey. You're trying to get Olivia to abandon her calling as Queen of the Undead!" Vanessa drunkenly gets in Tim's face about how Morgana could never take over Camelot, and Dan tells her to chill, and Vanessa apologizes for dorking out but continues: "Lancelot wouldn't let that happen, would he?" Tim yells at Dan that if the realm falls into the wrong hands, it's on Dan's head, and they threaten to hack Dan's credit rating, and then run off screaming, "Nice v-neck!" Which is amazing. So Dan is appalled because they're a different breed of dork than he is, and internecine dork conflict is why the internet is so scary, and then notifies Vanessa that these are her people, and she hangs her head because it's true. When Olivia comes back Dan offers her a kegstand, but she is too busy sucking on the funnel of bad movie star news.

Blair is so proud of Kira's new look that she calls it her "makeover swan song," which... Makes no sense. Because this is probably her Cotillion swan song, but I don't think she means it that way. I think she just honestly doesn't know what that phrase actually means. Which is embarrassing for all of us. Kira complains about how having Eric as her escort is still a huge weakness in her assault, and Blair -- who is wearing a gorgeous and dramatic, complicated red dress with a bow bigger than the Earth -- reveals her next surprise: Eric comes into the house bearing Graham Collins, who looks like porn. Maybe the kind you get arrested for.

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Gossip Girl

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