Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
We Are Curious

Lily calls the debs and escorts to attention, and Jenny goes whining up about how she doesn't have an escort yet so Lily hands her off to the Fabulously Gay Maximilian, who gets through a whole routine (front handspring step out roundoff back handspring step out roundoff back handspring ending with a full twisting layout) on his way over there, and tells her not to worry about being so very far behind. Jenny's confused, since it's the first rehearsal, and Lily reminds her most of these girls have been taking ballroom since their feet were originally lashed into their distinctive lotus shape, and then fully tells Jenny, "You have your father's natural rhythm." Then Little J swallows a little barf.

Jenny shoves past some pathetic girl who says hi to her like five times, yanking on her skinny tie more than Chuck Bass at a peepshow as she goes, and Eric greets the girl, who is his partner for the Cotillion. Because constantly acting as an adolescent social worker for ugly girls is no more a choice than being gay. Her name is Kira, her crosseyes are barely noticeable, and she thinks the sad thing about all this is that she couldn't get a date herself. Eric is Totally Rhodes with her, deflecting any possible real conversation in order to make the social niceties as smooth as possible, but then she goes for his throat: "You're Jenny Humphrey's brother, aren't you?" He nods and rues the day this became his claim to fame, as though "suicidal homo related to rapists and prostitutes" was so much cooler.

Kira whines and jerks off about Jenny's amazingness for awhile and then Eric lets slip that Jenny's after Graham C for her date, and Kira knows him, and Eric makes the executive decision to keep Jenny from taking Graham C as her date, because... I don't know how this plan is really supposed to work. What, he's a van der Woodsen, it's possible that the whole plan is just 1) this, 2) a scribbly thing, and then 3) the desired solution. So he tells Kira that, despite the fact that he also knows Graham -- they went to Camp Suisse together, and I know what you're thinking and you're right, somebody got a look at somebody's Cecil -- they are both better off not contacting him, because Jenny hates when people meddle in her lovelife. Kira is so desperate that she totally blows this off and immediately texts Graham without even trying to fake how fake she's being.

Dan and Vanessa walk down the street discussing Olivia like she's their beloved pet, which essentially she is, while she trails a few steps behind making mad Hollywood calls about this and that. A student paper is produced in which features The Fifteen Things Every College Student Must Do Before Graduating, which is tragic in, again, exactly that Purity Test way that you can't explain to actual freshmen. (One of the things on the list that they haven't yet done is "Have sex with someone you don't want to see again," which doesn't come up again exactly, but I think I figured out that they never bring that one up again because Dan did that with Georgina, so it gets crossed off now. Or something.) Essentially, it's The Bucket List for gaywads like Vanessa Abrams.

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Gossip Girl




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