Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Gravity Always Wins

Ivva was in her first year of nursing school when Grandfather died (which makes sense because it's your first year of nursing school where they tell you to pour vodka on the wounded and then haul them wheezing into the nearest prostitute's infected garret for their recovery). Turned out the farm was upside down because mortgage crises are universal, so she left school to pay the bills and somehow ended up "waiting tables" in Prague. Blair's amazed to learn that Ivva was the one who found him, because it means she saved his life, which is something previously only Blair has done. So now her paranoia increases just that much more. She wonders why the ambulance never came, and Ivva admits that it was probably the neighborhood: "Chuck isn't exactly the first person to get shot in Perlovka."

Serena is astounded by Dan's mastery of the internet, and he totally says out loud, "Not only am I manly and rugged, but I also have mad browsing skills. Don't laugh, most women would be ripping their clothes off in the presence of this kind of web savvy." Dude, if a boy ever said something that dorky to me, it wouldn't be anybody's clothes getting ripped off. There is mad heat for a second and S is like, "Does Vanessa know you're here?" Dan admits that he lied to her, which S doesn't hate hearing, and tries to explain about how V is bugging him. Like this is a complicated concept.

"You know how Vanessa Abrams is always up everybody's ass all the time but especially my ass? And I moved her into my loft which only has one room and is in another borough entirely so I have no backup? So now it goes DUMBO, and then in DUMBO is the loft, and there's me in the loft in DUMBO, and there's my colon inside me inside the loft in DUMBO, and then right up in there is Vanessa Abrams."

While Dan and Serena figure out that Perlovka is the red light district of Prague, and Ivva therefore be trickin', Juliet sneaks up on Nate who is creepin' her on the internet. She's like, "Oh, are we exclusive? Because I'm cool with that if you are. And secondly, I'm not seeing anybody. I was visiting somebody. A secret somebody who is looking to destroy Serena van der Woodsen." That last part seems a little suspicious to old Nate, but before he can investigate further, Vanessa shows up clearly hoping to catch her boyfriend with Nate's dick in his mouth. Any other day, Abrams. Sorry.

"The woman is a saint! She didn't recoil from those creepy cat rescuers, or turn away from the pictures of those starving children. She didn't even cringe when that homeless man licked her arm!" Dan and Serena take a scary kind of Renfield fly-eating joy in telling Blair about how Ivva is a hooker. In fact, it's rather disrespectful considering how much they both love Nate, who by the age of 18 was already a bigger ho than anybody on this show ever could surpass. Blair thanks Dan for his help and tosses him out the house with a warning not to tell anybody because he'll unavoidably do it wrong, like, there will be survivors.

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Gossip Girl




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