Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Your Money Or Your Life

We also learn that Keith van der Woodsen (for it is he) is the nephew of John Landis, and that Shep is impressed with Keith's hand towels in the bathroom. Lily makes like a third nasty comment about fannypacks to her sister for no reason, and Carol yells at Lily for being a goody-goody because I guess fannypacks are rebellious, and then Owen is like, "You kind of are a goody-goody" so then she decides to get drunk to prove that she... Loves fannypacks and isn't a goody-goody. This episode makes no goddamn sense at all. These conversations don't add up or connect to anything, and people just keep getting mad and getting sad and changing their minds and making snap decisions, all for no reason whatsoever.

Blair's vicious with Dan for no real reason at Prom when he shows up with Serena, and then he and Serena, um, dance at the Prom. And I don't want to talk about that, because I can't possibly explain to you what it's like. I think maybe they're going for like "unfettered by convention" or "childlike and joyful" or something, but it just looks impaired.

In the past which is also happening, Shep is dancing wonderfully like a robot, while Owen and Lily have conversations that we blessedly don't have to hear -- "So I heard you haven't seen your sister in a while, like a year?" "Yeah, our parents were divorced last year and I got expelled." "I didn't know that, that is really interesting." -- and Carol spots them flirting and taking shots and thinks it's so sweet, but then literally on camera remembers to go look for Keith, and it's the funniest moment in the entire episode, maybe not on purpose.

Carol goes outside and Keith's doing blow with the most stock '80s guy ever, like his ruggedly handsome face and bushy brows were actually built for this, to look like every date rapist pastel-sweatered soc in every Molly Ringwald movie ever, and long story short, Carol didn't know Keith had a girlfriend when something happened, so then something happened, and now he has the video tape and wants more money. Except maybe he doesn't really want money, he just wants Carol to not care about the girlfriend, who is sitting right there, and looks like she invented syphilis.

I don't really get what Keith wants, but he's not interesting in explaining himself, just telling Carol to go away even though he is only keeping the tape so she will come to his house, which she has done. Then Carol says she's not leaving, and inside the mansion Lily and Owen are being dorky on the dancefloor and Owen goes, "Is this the moment where you fall in love with me? It is, isn't it? You're totally falling in love with me right now."

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Gossip Girl

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