Serena can't believe that for the tenth episode in a row she's once again being forced to admit that something Chuck did was sweet, and he just smiles up at Blair on the stage, lit up like a stadium, glowing about her perfect night, and how he pulled it off. Gossip Girl's like, "Wait, you know what? Blair dating Nate is stupid. This just in."
Lily makes some awesome faces, and horrified sounds, in her mugshots, and then she calls CeCe, who's doing an aerobics video on VHS while wearing legwarmers, and CeCe yells at her for awhile about how if she were a better mother she'd just leave Lily in there, and then goes, apropos of nothing, "Oh, Lily! The hopes and dreams I have for you! An Ivy League education, life on the Upper East Side, married to the richest man in Manhattan..."
Which is exactly how it ends up! THAT IS IRONIC.
"See, that's the thing, mom. Those are your hope and your dreams, not mine. I need to figure out what I want, what I need." Whatever. Sure, why not. So CeCe says that she needs to stay the hell away from Carol and her fannypack madness, and of course Carol walks in just in time to hear Lily give a long speech, naturally, about how great Carol is. Which comes in handy, because we have seen her do nothing of import or interest, so being told what we're supposed to have gleaned from this is actually quite helpful. The whole time CeCe is, as usual, awesome ("How about your spare me the heartache and yourself the humiliation and give up on this failed experiment in rebellion? ...Enough soul searching, I'm calling your father's lawyer.") and immediately goes to the SO IRONIC thing of needing to keep the nonexistent scandal out of the papers.
(Um, like what? TOWER EXEC'S DAUGHTER INEFFECTUALLY HITS LANDIS NEPHEW. "She hit him with her purse a couple of times," witnesses say. "She's about five-two and he's easily nine feet tall, so we were surprised he didn't just hold her at arm's length." When asked for comment, police authorities would only say, "We couldn't charge her with anything so she was only in jail for about five seconds, and then wandered the halls making telephone calls at her leisure and complaining that she was in jail. We're pretty sure we could have told her a McDonald's was jail and she'd believe us.")
"Please, Mom. I don't need a publicist, I need my mother," Lily says. Good line. Carol grabs the phone and randomly starts talking like a Jersey tough again, and tells CeCe that Lily's going to moving in with her for awhile. "This is your chance to be a big sister and finally offer some actual guidance to Lily. Advice. Her future's at stake... We both know the first time that she breaks a nail, rides a city bus, or God forbid actually steps foot in a public school, she'll come running home." Carol tells her this is Lily's call either way, and hangs up on CeCe, who just can't believe it.