Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Your Money Or Your Life

"Not that any of that information is relevant, unless you're a john." At least she gets it, on some level. He's not a john, he says, he's an Owen. Owen Campos, gargoyle at large. They shake hands and "I Melt With You" starts playing, and he says he can take her to see her sister, like she wants, but she decides that's not what she wants, so he blows her off, so then it's what she wants, so she offers to change clothes to better approximate being Sunset trash like him, so he gives her a luxurious up-and-down and critiques her outfit, and she makes a hilarious shocked '80s face, so he takes her to Carol's locker in the back of the restaurant, which is some kind of fucked up Mary Poppins locker that contains all of the '80s in it, so she tries on like three outfits -- Olivia Gets Physical, Papa Don't Preach, and something else that's black and might be Debbie Harry or might be more Olivia Newton-John, I don't care because I'm not an old person or a me-too dork and the '80s don't actually matter in any way to me -- and makes faces about all of them, then dresses basically like a normal human, and it would be heinous if not for, again, Brittany Snow, who just has this Way about her.

Meanwhile Real Lily is looking at some random photograph that Old Lily is also looking at, at the same time, of Carol and Lily having some kind of Christmas experience in which they snuck out and went skating at Rockefeller Center and took a bus, which is also their lives at the end of the episode, and she has the grace to look ashamed of herself when she admits to Dan that Serena is still in jail. Which at this point is totally Serena's call, if she's even in jail at all, so maybe Lily's just embarrassed that her daughter is an imbecile.

Dan opens the garage door that separates him from his sister -- and thus keeps Child Protective Services from rescuing them both from Brooklyn -- and says he needs a Prom dress. "Okay," Jenny says, "But you're gonna have to wear your own shoes." God, just imagine the Prom dress Dan would pick. It would be like burlap with moths inside it and stinking of trash so it's clear he's not trying to impress anybody, and then at Prom he'd still have the balls to be like, "Why isn't anybody dancing with me?" And then Vanessa totally would, and she'd be wearing a matching burlap dress, only you could see her privates.

"Do I look like I'm wearing a Halloween costume?" Old Lily asks Owen, and he's like, "No, my face is a Halloween costume" and tries to muster some heterosexuality for her, and is brutally and irrevocably denied this last ditch effort when Lily goes, "Is this the moment where you fall in love with me? Oh, it is, isn't it? You're totally falling in love with me right now!"

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Gossip Girl

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