Gossip Girl
Victor, Victrola

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 3 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
A Truth Universally Acknowledged

Dinner for the Waldorf-Archibald deal. Blair stares into space, with a gigantic bow on her head as usual, but having successfully funked out the Mayflower dress with some pearls and awesomeness to the point where I barely recognized it. She comes down the stairs to the sound of glasses clinking; Nate spots her and comes running. "Hey! You look beautiful tonight." Nate, of all people, can spot her terrifying fake smile, and asks if there's something on her mind. "No. Is there anything you wanna say?"

Flash to the Shepherd wedding, Nate and Serena having sex at the bar. This part is fairly awesome. Dan comes around the outside, critiquing and asking for help: "The leg wrap. That's interesting." Serena smiles over at him, with her leg wrapped around Nate: "Sexy, right? And it increases stability." He watches them mugging down for awhile, and then asks Nate if the hair-grabbing is a winning strategy: "Oh, yeah. Every time!" He walks around some more, inspecting their lovemaking, and interrupts again: "Do I have to keep my shirt open and billowing like that?" Nate agrees that it never hurts. Dan continues to watch; in his bed, he whines, "I'm doomed!"

Rufus enters Dan's room -- after knocking, notably, like human beings do -- and sees Dan reading a book about "sensuous massage." Dan is the most nightmarish virgin boyfriend of all time. I take back what I said about missing high school. Dan mumbles about how he has tension and stress between his shoulder blades, but it's not like Rufus cares, so he drops it: "I'm headed to the gallery to test-run a 24-hour projection installation." Vanessa and J are there, as well, but Dan declines -- he's going to just "chill" at home. "Alone? On a Saturday night? With your new girlfriend?" Rufus sits down, and Dan gets even more afraid that they are going to have a sex talk, so his voice gets higher and higher, but Rufus lays off. "Well, just be safe. Don't do anything you're not ready to do...or she's not. Oh, and lose the football sheets...and Cedric."

At the gallery, Jenny has once again stupidly come to Vanessa for advice. V tells her she looks good for a dead messenger, and then hands her some bullshit line about how "Now Blair knows the truth, and she and Nate can talk about it. Honest communication is what every good relationship is based on." A) Not that you would know, which to be fair she admits, and but B) "honest communication" in a relationship kind of implies the people in the relationship, not randoms off the street spreading gossip and bullshit. Either they're grownups or they're not, but either way, that has nothing to do with you. That's like cracking open a butterfly's chrysalis and being like, "I guess that half-formed dead butterfly just didn't have the moral fortitude to be honest about its relationships!" Or, if you're Vanessa, breaking into somebody's house and stomping outside their oven so you can say, "That soufflé simply could not stand the pressures of adult romance!" When it's not even your house, and when you have never, ever baked anything in the first place.

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Gossip Girl

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