Gossip Girl
Victor, Victrola

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 3 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
A Truth Universally Acknowledged

Jenny starts talking about the horrors of betrayal, and V sniffs out that she has now changed topic, to Rufus and Alison. And sadly, it's not that far a jump: she's fourteen and so starved for maternal attention that she's going to Blair Waldorf and Vanessa Abrams for this. She's going to end up a Manson girl, I swear. Vanessa cooks up another helping of bullshit about how "maybe you don't go back, maybe you go forward," and how it's better to shove your way into other people's shit and ruin their lives for them: "Get two people in a room willing to be balls-out honest? It might get ugly, but eventually, the dust has to settle...and then you can see if there's hope." J does the ankle-dip of hope, but mostly, do not ever do anything Vanessa tells you to do, because she is a giant hypocrite and because she doesn't know what the hell she's talking about.

The Captain is surfing the snow-white wave right over the heads of everybody in the entire party, and Eleanor's trying to feed him as he makes more and more grandiose statements and refuses to do anything but perch on every surface for five seconds at a time. They get him off the subject of the partnership, then off the subject of Eleanor's awesomeness, and then he starts talking about their arranged marriage thing, and he starts in on forcing his wife to take off the storied ring (which seems to have completely changed shape in the past week) and he's all, "Put it on Blair's finger, right on her finger, no ifs or ands or buts, ring on the finger, this is great, if ever there were an occasion for a toast, that is what I'm talking about, that's magnificent, let's do another toast, what time is it right now in Tokyo, hell yeah!" And finally N's like, "Let's go smoke those cigars you brought, Father," and everybody wonders why, but mostly they're glad his tweaked-out ass is heading away from the upholstery.

Chuck dozes on a divan opposite the burlesque wiggles and movements of the classy lady strippers. Bart and the Asian lady sit down on his either side, and both of them seem much more impressed with the place than you might previously have assumed. Chuck agrees with the woman, saying he wanted Bart to see it "in full swing," and Bart introduces his son to Paulette Cho, who was the interviewer when Bart was interviewed for the Observer, which edition Chuck was carrying around earlier in the episode, but then yesterday convinced Bart to go to lunch -- which is what Chuck saw and told Lily about -- because she's decided she wants to stop being a journalist and start being a mogul of some kind. Which, there's something sinister in that, because TV hates journalists and moguls, especially lady journalists and lady moguls, because they are lacking in ovaries and common human feeling. So it's a lateral move, by the stereotype rules of TV, from evil to evil, but I don't know. Keep your eyes on her. Shouldn't be too hard, she's awesome. So Bart gave Paulette the Victrola proposal, as a test, and she loved it, especially the "wish fulfillment quality" of the report. If you asked me right this second what's going on with Cho, I'm thinking whorehouse. I will lay you odds that evil Paulette Cho is going to pull a Hope-Brady-on-Melrose and Chuck will end up a high-priced call girl madam without even knowing it, like happened to Sydney Andrews. Bart admits to Chuck that it's possible "some old-school thinking and fatherly bias" clouded his judgment. They shake hands like men! And hug adorably! Aww, what's going to go wrong? Paulette wants to go on a tour, but Bart remembers he needs to call Lily, and that's what's going wrong: Chuck accidentally told Lily that Bart was boning Paulette Cho.

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