Gossip Girl
Victor, Victrola

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 3 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
A Truth Universally Acknowledged

S and Lonelyboy queer it up and giggle and she has to close her eyes before they go into the bedroom, the whole nine, and there are candles and man sheets, and of course Dan has to come on with the whole "it's not a suite at the Ritz in Paris or a chalet in Aspen" crap, and instead of telling him to knock it off, she sweetly tells him it's perfect, and he kicks the door closed. Aww, finally!

Chuck meets Blair at the limo and asks where Nate went. "I think we just broke up," she grumbles awesomely, but refuses to talk about it. "I just want to escape. That's what this place is for, right?" Well, that, and putting your sexual issues on shout for the whole city, yeah. The music kicks into overdrive. Hell yeah! Inside, Blair's drinking, and Chuck is tuckered out in his little bowtie. He acknowledges that she's not into talking about it, but before he can offer his shoulder to cry on -- honestly and nicely -- she busts out: "Relief. I feel relief." She clutches her champagne glass awesomely, like, this close to shattering it. She stares up at the girls on the stage, and employs Remedial Seduction Technique 5-B, what we call The Old Double Dog Dare Me To Get Slutty Trick. "I got moves." He's obliging: "Really? Then why don't you get up there?" Blair says, "No, I'm just saying I've got moves," but what she means is, "Double dog dare me, if you please." Again, he obliges: "Come on, you're ten times hotter than any of those girls." True. "I know what you're doing, Bass. You really don't think I'd go up there." No, he really does, and this is all weird signifier burlesque before the actual burlesque. "I know you won't do it," he says, because that's what she keeps telling him to say, and "finally" "pushed into it," she hands rapey old Chuck her drink to guard, which is awesome on many levels.

He tilts back as she takes the stage, with a wonderful smile on his face. I wish we saw more of them together; their friendship is so real and brittle and fun. The camera slides woozily around on her: hands, dancing, tossing her headband into the audience. He leans forward and we flip back to the beginning of the episode as she slowly unzips the Mayflower dress, revealing an adorable chemise. She looks so hot, he stands up and walks toward the stage like he's hypnotized. She smiles over her shoulder at him, and the tranny asks who she is, and he says he has no idea, but he means something entirely different and awesome than we might have thought. "You go, baby vamp," says the drag queen, for what reason I cannot say, and she does her dance, and escapes. He downs his drink and raises a glass to her, and she smiles, and the lights play across his face in slow motion. "As you might have guessed, Upper East Siders, Prohibition never stood a chance against exhibition. It's human nature to be free. And no matter how long you try to be good, you can't keep a bad girl down."

Blair's such a construction, such a performance, with her schemes and her bitches and the Psycho Baby Jane wardrobe and all of these things, that you can forget who's in there. God knows Blair spends most of her time ignoring that girl, and trying to get rid of her forever. She's scared, and everything keeps interrupting a thousand times, and the whole time she's trying to say something very simple, which has very little to do with Nate, or Chuck, or any of it. And if you want to get this thing off the ground at all, now would be the time to pay attention: She's a virgin, though she wishes she weren't. And nobody has ever looked at her the way that Chuck is looking now, regardless of the fact that she's been waiting to marry Nate since she was little. And on a stage with the lights and the music is a funny place to realize that really, nobody's never looked at her and seen her, for real. That it's the easiest thing in the world, just to dance.

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Gossip Girl

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