Gossip Girl
Victor, Victrola

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
A Truth Universally Acknowledged

Two days earlier, Blair and Chuck are walking through the burlesque club, which is called "Victrola," and of course it is, because Chuck is adorable and this show is adorable. Say what you will about burlesque, but as an objective correlative for the show's approach to sexuality, both within the story and speaking of the story itself, it's totally perfect. The show's carefully managed scandal is equal to the way the kids carefully manage their scandals is equal to the point of burlesque: putting so much layered insecurity and exhibition that you forget about actual sex altogether, because it's not the point. If any of these people had sex in the woods and nobody was there to see it, would they go through with it? Why have sex if it's not on GossipGirl.net two hours later? Chuck's attempts at hypermasculinity are the most obvious, but Blair's is the same thing. Serena's the only healthy sexual being on the entire show, and that's down mainly to the fact that she's the only one that can have sex without either crying about it or constantly giving jazz hands toward it. "Sexual jaded youth over here! Yoo-hoo, are you looking? I'm a grown-up!"

"You want your dad to invest in a strip joint? How midtown." Chuck, of course, corrects her: "A burlesque club." Blair is wearing an insane red bow as big as her head, and a crazy valet jacket with yellow and blue stripes. She looks amazing. "A respectable place where people can be transported to another time, where they can feel free to let loose. No judgment. Pure escape. What happens at Victrola stays at Victrola." It's not bad copy, and more important, it's everything you have to believe to even come near this place. Blair pronounces Victrola as having "franchise potential," and notes that Chuck's many years of underage boozing and womanizing have finally paid off. He's sixteen, B. Notice the pattern here? She's proud of him, which makes him happy, because she is his second-toughest critic, after his dad. Which august personage, Chuck is sure, will love this: "It is exactly the kind of innovative thinking upon which the Bass empire was built. It is the perfect thing!" Aww, so sweet. He's going to bring strippers to his dad like a cat with a pigeon head, and then his dad will finally love him. Blair bounces with a sweet squeeze: "Don't be nervous. He's gonna love it." Chuck hops around, nervously.

Nate's mom Anne is trying to make him go to rehab, and he's like, "No, no, no." She assures him that he's going, right after their celebration of the Waldorf deal. Anne leaves Nate alone with his dad, and Nate immediately starts whining at him about how he totally sold Nate out and made it seem like they were his drugs. "You're not gonna end up in one of these places. Let me talk to her. You know how your mother overreacts." Nate is not buying any of this, so the Captain spins a little tale about how "the old man doesn't wear the hours as well as he used to," and how a "young viper" at the office named Frank Meltzer offered him a pick-me-up, which he didn't really enjoy. Because cocaine is so unpleasant. Nate is looking amazing in an off-white yellowish top with a school tie and tousled hair; the Captain offers to flush the bag immediately. Nate tries to turn this into a father/son moment about honesty and family values, but his dad is like, "Later, I have to go detail my Bentley and the Bentleys of my friends and then try on sixteen different outfits and then make sure all of the clocks in the house are synchronized and then learn to fly a jet plane and then make some scrapbooks and then clean the entire house and then kind of cry for awhile, but thanks for taking the drug rap and then following it up by whoring around with your estranged girlfriend who you don't even love but do you need me to pick up any dry cleaning or snacks or anything else because I could totally pick up a Humvee with one hand right now so if picking things up is what you're looking for I am your man because I am a picking-things-up champion of all time look I'm going to do some push-ups and then clean the refrigerator because I haven't eaten in six days and so let's have some drinks later -- non-alcoholic of course -- but the first thing I'm going to do is buy a shitload more coke and so do you like this tie?"

Little Jenny Humphrey is...acting kind of similar to the Captain, to be honest. She's going nuts looking for the glass slipper bracelet that she left in B's hot little hand at the Masquerade Ball, which means we're still on the 24 schedule where every episode takes place immediately after the last episode, which is awesome. Vanessa is on the phone with her, still pretending to care, and J explains to her about how the store lent it to her for the ball, which she wasn't supposed to attend, so by losing it she has created two problems, because it was on Blair's account. Outside, Rufus is having some boring fight with his soon-to-be-ex wife Alison, and totally ignoring Jenny's huge problem. So much so that he drops some bread crumbs about how Alison's having an affair, but when Jenny presses, he changes his mind. Somebody knocks and then outside the door, there's Vanessa, still on the phone with Jenny, like a fucking creepy lurking creep. The call is coming from inside the house! She's like, "Where is Dan?"

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