Gossip Girl
Victor, Victrola

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 3 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
A Truth Universally Acknowledged

Somewhere in the twisted time and space of this show, Dan's at school with Serena, making out. At the same time that his little sister is running around the apartment, Vanessa is making her daily assaults on etiquette, and his dad is lounging around the house being vague about his dissolving marriage. The Humphreys are like wild animals, man. Dan and Serena are devouring each other against a brick wall, and instead of finding somewhere more private than the Quad, they complain about how uncomfortable it is, making out against a thousand-year-old building, in public. "You'd think all the money that we spent on this private school, they could at least give us a comfortable spot to make out," giggles Serena cutely. A bunch of people start razzing them and paparazzi-ing them, and then Dan and Serena remember that they are being raised by wolves and obviously at some point one of their apartments will be empty, and they can make out secretly.

Kati and Isabel upload pictures of the uncomfortable make-out session to GG.net immediately; S and Lonelyboy take their time saying goodbye. Serena laughs, "Or we could just get it over with in a broom closet." Dan is immediately uncomfortable, because the thought of Serena fucking in a broom closet is a little too close to the slutty reality that he secretly harbors against Serena, still, and once he takes off, Serena realizes she just played right into his insecure, misogynist protocol. Because, of course, Dan is a virgin, but he's also a guy, so he takes all his fear of losing his virginity and puts it in the broom closet of Serena's whoredom, thereby making it her fault. "But can Brooklyn keep up with the Uptown Express?" wonders Gossip Girl, and you know what? If he could, for even a second, we wouldn't really have a show. I don't hate him, he's just too real.

Nate approaches Jenny in the hall: "Oh. Serena, right?" She pronounces this queasily cute, and he agrees it's not that funny. I think it's awesome. Nate is a class act. She asks what he's doing in the Billard part of school, and he admits that he's looking for help: "You know, I really didn't mean anything I said about having feelings for Serena," he blurts, and Little J knows this is a pile of crap. She's like, "I guess so. I've been agreeing vehemently with men telling themselves lies since I was first born into the Humphrey family." She floats the idea, lackluster kiss aside, that she's not actually that interested in his love life, that maybe this is a relationship issue having to do with Blair, and not Jenny. For example, any weirdness in Nate's relationship with Blair is automatically the butterfly of the apocalypse for Dan, herself, Serena, Waldorf Design, his own Archibald fortunes, and the entire Upper East Side. He's like, "Yeah." Nate -- cute! -- offers her a box of chocolates and asks for her help re-securing Blair. Who appears out of the shadows from nowhere with a thousand bright teeth! Everybody screams and Nate's like, "Um, I was just asking Jenny to help me come up with a better excuse than these chocolates I brought you." Jenny's fourteen, so she's kind of secretly pissed off that he just gave away her candy. B and Nate make up, and of course Blair's like, "You know I prefer the Gold Collection, but thank you." Heh. I love those little boxes too, but why spend the money when you're just going to barf it up anyway?

Jenny skedaddles because Blair is scary every day, but especially when you've earned it, and B follows her like a wolf in the night: "Hey, Cinderella. I think you dropped this at the ball?" Jenny does the ankle-dip of Oh Fuck, and Blair smiles with a terrible beauty, then drops it completely: "I hate secrets more than anything. You know that. Friends don't lie. And we're friends, right?" This last nearly silent like the mighty cobra. Jenny's like, "...Yeah," and then goes to change her shorts. B returns to N's side and they cuddle, while Gossip Girl evinces some small amount of worry about Jenny's total doom coming down the pike: "Jenny Humphrey's rise to the penthouse has been short and sweet, but if she crosses Blair Waldorf, it's straight back to the basement. Looks like this little lamb needs to stay silent...or else." Seriously. I wasn't worried about Jenny before, but now I've seen what lurks in that basement, which is Vanessa Abrams, and she's got a d├ęcoupaged hatbox covered in Ambrose Bierce art nouveau sylphs and Van Gogh sunflowers, and I would not willingly consign anybody to that musty lair. Stay quiet, little lamb!

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