Gossip Girl
Victor, Victrola

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 3 USERS: A+
A Truth Universally Acknowledged

Serena sits chastely on Dan's football sheets, grossed out by their Brooklyn ways. She offers to discuss the situation, and he's like, "No, see, actually, her busting in here while we're trying to bone is exactly the reason you shouldn't worry about her, because she's like family. She's like a creepy sister that appears out of nowhere and ruins everything all the time and is obsessed with me in a sexual way. See? Totally under control." S clarifies that she was talking about Dan's fear of flying, and puts forth the theorem that maybe they were going to have some sex. He's like, "We cannot talk about sex, ever, but let's make out." So they do. Five seconds later, Rufus and Jenny come home, with "breakfast." I am so confused by the timeline of this show because sometimes they're at school and it's the middle of the night and sometimes half of them are at school and the other half are at a strip club and sometimes they're having dinner before or during breakfast. The snow is constantly coming down in June on this show. Dan's like, "Are you hungry?" And Serena doesn't answer, just blows her hair out of her face and crams all of her dissatisfaction and feelings very deep inside.

"Spotted: Bass drunk off his ass at the Palace bar, drinking away his woes and investment capital." Chuck wanders drunkenly out into the Palace courtyard, calling phone numbers at random. "Nathaniel, your position in my esteem has been replaced by your voicemail. So...Bart didn't go for Victrola, but...truth is, I bought the house out already for tonight. And it's not a par-tay without my people. Or any people. I'll see you there." He drops a key -- because I guess at the Palace Hotel they have big brass keys and not, you know, hotel keys -- and crawls around in the gutter for awhile. Lily appears out of nowhere and crouches by him: "Long night?" Chuck nods sweetly: "Alfonso made me an omelet. I may have washed it down with a Bellini or two." Lily smiles and deduces that Bart didn't go for the Victrola proposal; he makes a sad cute face. She gets her arm underneath him and picks him up out of the gutter, walking him back toward the hotel while he babbles, and the whole time she's just like...his friend. I didn't really want her to get together with Bart until now, but I think Chuck really desperately needs Lily in his life. "He was born poor, I was born loaded. But if the only way to impress him is if I started with nothing, then why doesn't he just take it all away?" And the whole time, Lily's like, "Yep. I hear ya, buddy." He trips at the front door and she laughs, sitting down with him: "Because he loves you. No good parent likes to see his child go without," she offers. Chuck whines that he had the idea and did the work, and still Bart tells him it's impossible for him to be committed to anything.

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