Gossip Girl
Victor, Victrola

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 3 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
A Truth Universally Acknowledged

"And he's the one screwing twenty-five-year-olds" -- Lily laughs, like, "Word" -- "when he's supposedly committed to you." She points out it's only been a week since they were really especially committed, so we shouldn't number those among Bart's sins, but drunk Chuck is like, "I wonder why he was pawing some Asian chick in his limo yesterday?" And he's being honest, and he does love Lily, and they do get each other, but that doesn't mean he's not loving this: she makes an intense whoa face, and then closes her eyes and nods: "How could I be surprised, really?" She excuses herself and leaves his weird tiki face there in the shade of the hotel, off on yet another revenge mission.

Nate interrupts his mother making an appointment for a blowout at Arden's, and of course her hair already looks perfect, because this show is ridiculous. She can tell from his face that he wants to talk about real stuff, so she tries to get out of there, so he's like, boom: "Mom, please, the drugs were Dad's. I mean, I guess he thought it'd be easier on everyone if I took the hit, but they were his." Mom pretends she doesn't know what he's saying, and he tells her about the Captain promising to flush the coke and then buying more, and she turns on him: "The lengths that you will go to, to get out of trouble!" Nate begs her to help him help the Captain, noting how Anne's WASP programming makes her look at the floor and pretend she doesn't exist whenever anything happens in the entire world. "Just look at me. Mom! I saw Dad buying drugs yesterday!" She is very beautiful and very poised, because she has to be all the time: "He's been under a lot of pressure. And if you hadn't been so difficult lately..." As though Nate has the energy or initiative to be difficult in any way. "Your latest rebellions have been very hard on your father, Nate: all this business with Dartmouth, your issues with Blair..." Still not the point. Nate asks again for help, and she shushes him: "Not another word of this. We have a celebratory dinner to get to! Please wear a tie." I'm so sure, Anne Archibald.

How much does Dan Humphrey suck? Well, in order to get his mojo rising and figure out how sex actually happens, he has bought the art film I Am Curious: Yellow. Because the best and least creepy sex is Swedish sex, in 1967. It's about a girl who can't figure out why she dislikes having sex with men, so she goes around and has a bunch of sex with men, and instead of living her life compiles a giant archive of all the things she would be doing if she weren't compiling a giant archive of them. So, kind of like Dan, and kind of like burlesque. Pornography is good, because: Wouldn't you rather have Lonelyboy coming at you with gross ideas about the capabilities of the human body to withstand a bunch of effin' and jeffin' than you would want Lonelyboy coming at you with a bunch of ideas spurred on by a surrealist film in the French New Wave style? But Dan's simply too good for internet porn, so he's gotta find the most pretentious, ridiculous, stylized version of art porn, as though that's going to make him better in bed. Just the thought of Dan coming at you with a bunch of concepts. Makes me want to hide under the bed.

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Gossip Girl

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