Gossip Girl
Victor, Victrola

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 3 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
A Truth Universally Acknowledged

To the sound of a bunch of Swedish humpology, Dan is sitting still, quietly not masturbating, as Vanessa comes stomping right the hell into his room, once again. He tries to explain knocking on the door to her, and she's like, "Hey, at least I didn't use the fire escape! Baby steps!" Guess what, freak: probationary period is over. Baby-step your rude ass right the fuck back to Vermont. She investigates his porn and he whines that it's not porn, and she brings up earlier that day, when she was rude that one time and walked in on his intimate time with his actual girlfriend. She reminds him about how sex is like art, somehow managing not to barf, and you know what? Dan is very hot in this scene. Whatever he says, that's what I agree with. "That was in, uh, 2005. I was more idealistic then. I was much younger, and there wasn't an actual girl who wanted to have sex with me." Vanessa flips out wildly into Season One Joey Potter territory, like she's this wise old bird that knows all about the sex, and he's just a baby virgin and isn't it so sweet, so somehow she wins because he's not having sex with her. Which is a shitty way to pull rank and even sadder when it's this obvious. And just when you think she couldn't be more annoying, she pulls this shit right here: "It's okay, I'm sure Serena knows what to do...what with her vast experiences with boarding school professors, Pamplonian bullfighters, best friends' boyfriends..." BOOT TO THE HEAD. Dan and Vanessa get to me so bad, because they're just openly screaming things that most of us learned not to say when we were like twelve, and it's exposed and scary and gross, like karaoke. Vanessa leaves with parting words to hide Cedric the Cabbage Patch Doll, get some candles, and replace the football sheets. One and three, yes. Two is kind of advanced and unnecessary, but we're not talking about me, or Serena, or even Dan, are we? We're talking about Vanessa.

Jenny thanks B for helping her out with the broken bracelet clasp, and B is awesome: "Oh, it was my pleasure. ...Oh, wait. No, it wasn't. Game recognizes game, Little J, but you have to show more respect. This is the last time I help you. Next time you cross me, I won't be as forgiving." I lost count of how many times in the past five days somebody said, "Game recognizes game, Little J," where I could hear them, but I laughed every single time. Blair is awesome. Jenny shakes right down to her glass slippers and swears there won't be a next time, and Blair settles down and they're friends again. "I want tell you something, something nobody knows. Not even Serena. You can keep a secret, right?" Jenny does the ankle-dip of pure bliss, and B spills the beans: "Nate is planning on giving me his family diamond. It's the most incredible ring you've ever seen." Jenny's wearing a strange polka-dot shrug like in Funny Face, and asks for clarification: "Uh, 'ring' as in engagement ring?" Blair slips into soliloquy mode: "I remember the first time I ever saw him. Maybe we were just little kids, but I knew: he's the one I wanna marry. Now it seems like he feels the same way, too." Jenny stands very, very still, attempting to become invisible, but Blair sees through it. "Why are you not happy for me?" Jenny hems and haws and blames her cheater parents and family drama, and tries to beat a hasty retreat, but B is onto her: "No, maybe you should look at me in the eye and tell me what you're hiding." Yes! I wish this was the entire show! "Are you jealous?" Jenny says no, of course not. "Do you like him?" Blair's delighted. "Do you think because you talked to him once in the hall that you might have a shot?" Jenny swears it's nothing like that, and B demands to know, then, what it is like. Jenny whines that she doesn't want to hurt Blair, who totally scoffs: "How could you hurt me?" Seriously! I love it! Jenny tells her about her previous conversation with Nate, when he grabbed her at the ball and professed his love for S. Her heart breaks for Blair: "He kissed me." And B cuts her dead: "That's enough." Over Jenny's protestations, she issues a decree: "You're dismissed, Jenny. For good." Jenny leaves, crying, and for the moment Blair's more sad than hateful. She just stares into space, thinking and nearly weeping.

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Gossip Girl

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