Serena goes to find Nate and tell him she's dating Juliet now, and he's like, "Fucking figures." She explains that it's just for tonight, and the whole sex buffer thing, and Nate is like, "I'M SO IN!" As long as Humphrey's getting all jello about Nate seeing other people, he might as well earn it by actually breaking their stupid agreement. S isn't sure about that, because it's not about making Colin jealous which is why she would normally go anywhere with Nate, and points out the stupidity of this entire plot thereby; Nate makes a fully nonsense argument ("Let's be honest, it's better to have a guy protect you from another guy") and because it's the Twins talking their nonsense language at each other, Serena is convinced. She calls up Juliet and breaks their date, and Juliet responds by scratching out all the eyes in every picture of Serena she has on her corkboard. It takes a long time because there are like a million pictures of Serena in her house.

Blair burns one of the staff for putting gladiolas in her cabbage roses, and yells, "The Waldorfs' is not a Best Western!" Eleanor appears, having told Rufus and Lily that their life is pathetic and sad and lonely and that since they're determined to fuck up their anniversary for no real reason at all, why not have a terrible time at a birthday party for a child whom they despise? Rufus and Lily were like, "Awesome!" And they got off the phone and did a happy dance, because apparently they have friends. Or friend.

"I suppose powerful women can afford to be generous," Blair says, and Eleanor's face goes dark. "Also, you invited Charles Bass. I don't need that boy raping Jonathan Franzen." Blair swears they're not fighting and Chuck will be wearing his good-boy hair, and thus being totally ravishing and not molesting anybody. Eleanor's like, "If your twisted obsession is so not bothering you, how come I saw you stab a servant-girl earlier with a melon fork?" "Motherrrrr, it was a fish knife. And I didn't do it because of Chuck, I did it because I am the worst."