Dorota appears, Blair nearly slaps her head off, and Eleanor flees. And Blair, this is awesome, finally just looks at Dorota with sad fawn eyes and goes, "Dorota! What's going on with me?" Outsourcing your own introspection. That is amazing. Dorota picks up the slack as usual, and explains that it's because Blair is mentally ill that she does these things, and then runs away before B she has a chance to grab the garden hose and administer what she likes to call "a little lawn justice."

From the stolen treaty Dan learns their big secret addendum -- "I was expecting something a little bit more American Psycho. Not stabbing a homeless man, but at least feeding a cat to an ATM..." -- and Eric abruptly goes, "Wait, what? Get this plaid shirt off me, this is bullshit. You totally talked me into being shitty like you and Vanessa. I can't believe how idiotic this whole thing is. I must be really starved for male attention. I've been bowtying this bowtie to the point of injury and now I got my whole big brother complex twisted all around into crazy town. Listen, Douchebag Dan, you go ahead and do this stupid plan, but leave me out of it. It's mean and pathetic and also they will kill us."

"They deserve it!" is Dan's response. "They're... They're... They're smug! And they are condescending. They have treaties!" (Huh? This is the problem? God, I fucking hate Dan Humphrey. Of COURSE this is the problem.) Eric's like, "Seeing you all class-enraged for no reason except your own glaring insecurity has got me simultaneously disgusted and turned on. As a scion of the Rhodes Women, that's two more feelings than I'm used to having." But no, it's too late: Faces, lips, the bottom of somebody's foot, a hoptoad, tongues and teeth, tossing hair, handlebar mustache, eyeballs rolling up, smacking butts, a fedora, the jitney strawberries revisited, Nate's old lacrosse uniform. It's everywhere! Sexual lycanthrope is the new Betty White! This thing is a menace!

While Eric snoozes it out on the kitchen floor, surrounded by sundae condiments and empty bottles of Gatorade, Dan call up Interscope records to get a favor based on their Dad being a rock star. I don't know what it is, but I know Eric wouldn't approve. If he weren't so plum tuckered out.