Not even when you gave birth to a mystery baby from Boston in the middle of your actual wedding, that had died in a jet-ski incident but was actually stalking your son. Not even when Rufus lost track of his scarf that time. Not even when Dr. vdDubs himself was there, with his crazy henchwoman handing out pills and fake cancer. Not even when your other son got murdered in Prague and turned up in Paris with a fake name and a limp. Not even after What Happened In Santorini. Not even when Jenny was wrecking shop in like every way, tossing around drugs and tiny boats and her virginity, taking over Serena's room. Sending Eric into a workout rage. Getting sassy at dinner.

Because Eric's boyfriend is -- the king of Tuscany now? Or goes to Yale? One of the two -- gone right now, Eric's been having to bowtie his own bowtie for a while, which has been weird because, you know, Eric's not really what you call a natural bowtie-bowtier. More of a bowtie-bowtieee, if you get what I'm saying. Not that he didn't give it the old college try, sure. And with Asher at that! Looking back, that's not how I would have pegged Asher at all. ("Pegged.") But I guess it makes sense and, you know, the whole bowtie thing gets weird real fast, because it's artificial and heteronormative, and like with anything those people do, it gets weird fast. Maybe Eric will learn to enjoy bowtying other boy's bowties, or even his own bowtie if that's his choice, one day.

But until that day, which I do not think is ever coming, he's got a lot of time on his hands. And this leaves him susceptible to Douchebag Dan, in the absence of Chuck, who is Eric's actual best possible big brother, and that means schemes that are not schemes and evil that claims not to be evil and calling reactionary revolutionary and two-legs-bad and I dunno, voting against your own interest on the strength of an emotional appeal. In terms of Upper East Side politics, they are forming the Tea Party. Which frowns upon anybody bowtying anybody's bowtie, even your own bowtie, unless you are a witch.

Luckily, Dan knows a witch or two. So now he takes his little bro firmly in hand and says, "You know what our parents need for their anniversary? An urchin from under the pavement, that will hiss and claw at the sunshine, and eventually be murdered by the Queen of Manhattania." And Eric's like, "My short term memory is such that I can't even remember who I hate anymore. Used to be Jenny for no goddamn reason, then it was Chuck for the opposite of an actual reason, and now... I guess Blair? I'm gonna say Blair. Not sure why, but I've never really taken part in the political process before and I'm just pleased as punch simply just to be here."