Juliet is like, "If you don't lock that shit down, he is going to fuck other girls." Serena has no idea what she's talking about, of course, because that's just not true because she's Serena, but it's still funny to hear Juliet talk like she understands things: "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but: He's a guy." Serena writes that down, promising to look it up later, and Juliet is like, "I am wise in the ways of guys, so if you need anything, be sure and come to me for advice, since you've never dated men before." Serena's like, "I really do need a mentor. A tutor. A teacher, if you will. Like in books. But I'm sure you knew that."

Which is true, but not because she's bad at guys: She's great at guys, which is why they're always dying or going to jail or starting Ponzi schemes or stealing horses or doing Things In Santorini or kissing her on a video billboard to the Kings of Leon or whatever. What the girl needs is some advice on not guys, because in that dept she's a little rusty. But since Juliet is in an increasingly incomprehensible war with Serena for reasons maybe we'll never learn, possibly asking her for bad advice about guys is a great way to get opposite-of-bad advice about everything else.

Palin/Perry 2012 is all, "We have a plan! Break the truce and then get Chuck to help Jenny!" You mean, repeat last episode when you shit on Jenny's head about exactly what you're now doing? Got it. You know, the chief danger in being a showrunner as your show ages is that you put together such a good writers' room that you trust them to take care of things and then go off to develop more things, because those very talented writers that you're so proud of are going to do whatever they fancy, which means a lot of times a show that should be one continuous story becomes twenty or so mini-movies that don't necessarily connect in any way. I mean, every show is prey to this, but some more glaringly than others. Like this shit with Dan, it works out because self-righteous hypocrisy is more delicious to these people than, ugh, waffles, but it doesn't really make sense because he was just embroiled in this scheme last week and pissed his last pair of skinny jeans about it.

So what would enrage Chuck Bass? His mother-not-mother-mother? His abusive-not-abusive-abusive dead father? His uncle-slash-tormenter Jack Bass? Yeah, so then Dan's like, "We'll tell everybody that Blair fucked Jack last summer in the south of France! Or how they're planning to do it again this Christmas!" Eric's like, "It's funny because it already happened! Also because he nearly raped my mom!" Dan's awesome plan, which is very Serena Plans all the way down, is that he will go over to Chuck's house, because they are friends, and tell Chuck he's sorry about Blair, because he cares so much about his old friend Charlie Trout. And just to really throw him off, Dan won't punch Charlie in the face, making this the first time they've ever been in a room together that he hasn't done that. And then just to up the ante a little more, he will gently cup Chuck's balls.