Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Heat/Stroke, Or: The Human Velocipede

While Eric snoozes it out on the kitchen floor, surrounded by sundae condiments and empty bottles of Gatorade, Dan call up Interscope records to get a favor based on their Dad being a rock star. I don't know what it is, but I know Eric wouldn't approve. If he weren't so plum tuckered out.

A teenager's birthday party! See and be seen! Joe Zee and Rachel Zoƫ airkiss, blabber, and then turn to the screen and apologize directly to us, the viewers of television, for all they have done. If Rachel weren't so fucking fat you might be able to see around her, you could check for Mr. Brad Goreski, but I guess he didn't come with. He's probably getting some award somewhere for being hotter than the motherfucking sun.

The Dean of the van der Woodsen Serena van der Woodsen's Vagina Studies Rotunda drops by to thank Blair for inviting her to this shindig, because Columbia Deans are usually so unwelcome at tony networking parties, and Blair is all, "I hope you get a chance to chat with Patricia Ireland. I think she'd be really interested in that paper you wrote for the Yale Law Review on Planned Parenthood v. Casey." Blair read that? Of course, she's a brown-noser and a bluestocking now. "Of course. Every woman who cares about her right to choose should." A star with a rainbow tail goes zooming across the screen with a gentle yodel until you realize that this document doesn't exist because the Dean of the VdwSvdWVSR is not a real person.

The Dean is like, "Could you please have lunch with me some time? You just seem so cool and not transparently opportunistic at all. I think my life of accomplishment and success could really be enhanced by spending some time with a viciously deranged teenager." Blair's like, "Sure! You're really pretty." The Dean blushes and thanks her. "So you agree? You think you're really pretty?" The Dean's like, "Well-played, playa."

"The last girl the Dean took to lunch became CEO of Pepsi," that pretty blonde Minion says, and Blair lays her out with the pimp hand, almost too fast to see. Without even looking over there, just bam: Bloody nose. Over in the corner, Rufus is looking poor and unkempt and Lily is looking around the room to see how many people have noticed how hardcore she's settled. (Matthew Settled.) Eleanor makes fun of his clothes, and is generally a bitch, but it's Rufus so she actually gets points instead of demerits. Colin and Juliet walk into the party together and find the exact middle of the room, under a spotlight, so that she can say as loudly as possible, "Thanks for getting me in! But I should go before anybody sees us together!" Instead of asking what the fuck is the point of any of this, poor Colin is like, "I would rather hang with you than these famous beautiful people, but okay."

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Gossip Girl

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