Chuck and Blair meet on the floor and they go, "It's so cold in here, I can barely feel my fingers," and "Cold? I'm practically feverish," they say. (This will matter later, when shit gets real.) (Real hilarious.) Everything goes wavy and a maître de leans over and licks a statue and everybody puts on masks and it's just faces, lips, hair, hands holding hands touching hands reaching out touching me touching you, and finally the maelstrom fades and the madness passes and Chuck's like, "For real, where did you hear that Jack was in Chile this summer?" Once again Blair blows him off, breezily, and he gets more and more worried that B still has interest in old Uncle Jack even after he managed to make her feel like a whore to such an extent that she crossed the ocean twice and had a little French girl murdered.
Cynthia Rowley. At the same party as Joe Zee? AMAZING. Maybe Awesome Erin from Joe Zee's office is in the back making out with Mr. Brad Goreski somewhere and later they will tweet about it and be like, "It was amazing but kind of weird and I don't think I would do it again, but you should try everything once." Maybe Olivia Palermo is living in the walls of the Waldorf house and only comes out at night to prowl around and eat like a stick of celery each evening that she has melted down with her napalm saliva. Maybe she got Mr. Brad Goreski and that's why he's not calling me back: Locked up somewhere cold and lonely, nobody to bowtie his little bowties for him, workin' on his lats and just cryin' and cryin' like usual.
I don't want to get into what Serena and Nate are actually talking about because it's not that awesome on paper, but the whole scene is so awesome. He makes her recite the Gettysburg Address, because that is indeed something Serena van der Woodsen would be able to do on command.
Nate grabs Colin to ask him if he is Ben, because for no reason, and meanwhile Blair is being sort of amazing, and she grabs Nate and pulls him past Lily and Rufus, who are literally having this conversation: "Paper plates are bad for the environment!" "Oh, come on, Rufus. It's not gonna kill anyone if we use paper plates just for one day." "I mean, we all have to do our part." And the finishing move: "When was the last time you used a paper plate?" I just had to reproduce that, both for posterity and because I want you to understand that I am not exaggerating. That is a verbatim transcript of their conversation.
Nate and Blair watch Juliet and Colin fight, and figure out that Juliet is lying about the... Wait, that Juliet said she didn't know who Serena's boyfriend was, but now is having a secret conversation with... No. Wait, so the deal is that Nate is still under the impression that Colin is Ben and that Ben is the guy Juliet dumped him for, and not her brother who is in jail. Yes. So then Blair's like, "Proof that she is a bad guy!" But then Nate yells at Juliet for leaving him for her brother or cousin, and she... No, just for dumping him. I think. And she says that... No, wait. I had it, I thought.