Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Heat/Stroke, Or: The Human Velocipede

I don't know. Some people know that Colin is dating Serena, some people don't, but they're not dating, and Juliet is involved with Colin in a way that makes even less sense than before, and Ben is Glory and/or Colin, and I... Give up. There is no reason for either of their asses to be at that party. There is no reason at all for Lily and Rufus to be at that party. There is no reason for Dan to be at that party, or any party. There is no reason for anyone to be at that party. It is the celebration of the birth of the greatest evil any of them has ever known. "Welcome to the world, The End Of The World!"

Dorota looks gorgeous, dressed as a person, and she's all, "Miss Blair give me many bruise" or whatever, "Please to give back my baby Miss Eleanor," and a big hook comes out of nowhere and pulls her out of there, and then Dan's friend at Interscope brings pop superstar Robyn onto the stage area to show some love. Robyn is interesting to me in that the more grotesque and inhuman she looks, the more awesome her music gets. I didn't even like one song by her until she turned the corner into full-on shrunken-apple gnome-wife. And I don't mean to be mean about her, she's great and probably in Sweden that's the new thing, and she's been great for these post-breakup drinking binges I've been on lately, a real lifesaver. I'm just trying to be honest when I say she looks like that population of little potato people the Skeksis were so into exploiting. She's got a Jim Henson pedigree. And anyway, not that she adds anything to this episode or is here for any reason whatsofuckingever: She sings a song in the background and has brought a tape of Blair drunkenly singing "Stand By Your Man" to Chuck at an afterparty in Sweden two summers ago.

That's the big secret. Not, as the Minions hope, a Jack Bass sex tape or Nelly Yuki snuff film: Just Blair singing, being happy, being adorable. Because this is the part of the episode where inevitably this show goes, "But wait, why does the next thing happen? Aw, fuck it," the next thing happens, which is Blair predictably shitting a brick (prebricktably!), yelling at Chuck for no reason at all, setting her own hair on fire, and cramming her fist down the nearest person's esophagus.

And that person is Rachel Zoë, who gets hit with a chocolate fountain and goes flopping down on her giant ass -- total fondon't! -- and eats the entire thing like it's a sodapop and moves on to the appetizers platter by platter and then up Juliet Sharp's arm, because I'm saying the girl just can't stop eating. Rachel Zoë is trying to resolve the existential I/Thou question by consuming everything else in the world so that there will be no Cartesian duality, just Infinite Rachel from here to here. We will all be Zoë. What was once a personification of abyssal emptiness will become its own opposite, a person of substance without that zany tweaked uncanny-valley look in her eyes. "I die no more," she'll say, in her real accent which is kinda Scottish: "I, I: I live."

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Gossip Girl

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