Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Heat/Stroke, Or: The Human Velocipede

And her dirty-looking gay husband can finally have all the babies he wants, because maybe she'll start getting her period again. Or she is fifty-seven years old and he is fifty-seven years old and they are just in denial about everything and she is not a celebrity stylist and she does not have a TV show about her and when we're watching her TV show really it's just in her imagination. What they think is Demi Moore is just an unopened can of beef stew. What they think is Gwyneth Paltrow is actually an umbrella stand with three umbrellas in it, and a walking stick. What they think is Kate Hudson is in reality a leather armchair with an afghan thrown casually over it. (One of those is true but I won't tell you which.) Or they are both machines being run by tiny people using a complicated system of weighted levers and that's why it's so terrifying to look in their eyes: You see the tiny people looking back. And now those people are covered in chocolate, because Dan had a Plan. Panama. He's so prebricktable.

I mean, I get that the video is actually really sad and that the real reason Blair wanted that in the treaty was because she didn't want to see herself happy with him or singing that particular song, because doing that particular thing is how she ended up a hooker, so standing by her man turned sour on her. But the way it's played, it just seems like she's embarrassed to a great degree for no real reason, and then turns on Charles for even less of a reason. Or maybe I'm confused by this episode even more than I think I am. Or maybe it's because I'm having another attack of the Serena And Colin Go Into Serena's Bedroom So They Can Talk About Not Having Sex Some More And Have More Eyeball Sexes.

Blair thinks that Chuck did this unbearable Robyn surprise because of how she knew Jack was in Chile last summer, and finally she's distraught enough to explain what she was too proud to explain before: She only knew because she was desperate for news of Chuck. "All summer, when I was pretending not to care, I wanted to know where you were. I paid a private eye to look, but the only Bass he got was your scaly uncle." Sweet, right? Fight over? Nonexistent fight that never should have happened stops happening?

Oh hell no. It's now Chuck who is completely irrational and plays along with the plot for no reason other than the script. Because bringing Robyn to sing a song to Blair is so fucking offensive that if Blair truly believes he would do that, then they never should have been trucified in the first place because it means nothing. NOTHING. And then Dan, having somehow succeeded in causing trouble with this retarded gambit, jumps into the crowd with like a "huzzah!" sound and goes, "It was me! All along! You are my marionettes, I am your Wayland Flowers! I have taught you a lesson! Now, could you please do me a favor!" They're like, "Um, no." He tries to play the "my poor sister" card, which is fucking laughable because she's crazier than both of them put together and he just called her out for this exact same shit last week, and still Bluck are like, "Yeah, still no. We don't give a shit about any of this. What are you even talking about?" and Dan's all, "I'm talking about taxes! Don't tread on me!"

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Gossip Girl




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