Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Heat/Stroke, Or: The Human Velocipede

Dan comes home to sour dour Vanessa and lists his crimes: Wrecked Blair's birthday, betrayed Nate by stealing the treaty, disappointed Rufus which is so fuckin' hard to do, and ruined their anniversary. Vanessa's like, "The suck is strong in you, Padawan, but until you really commit to it they're never going to hate you like they hate me. These occasional glimmers of awesome, in addition to your new haircut and sick bod, are going to make this a downhill battle. But give it time. Because you have the makings of just a dizzyingly monstrous piece of Brooklyn trash." Then they have a sex hallucination but instead of it being weird and kind of awesome, it's just like: A french fry on a rainy-day sidewalk. Somebody getting whiskey dick and feeling bad about himself, wondering if maybe he's gay. Being the temp in a new office, on the day they have cake for all the birthdays that month. Learning that a favorite young actor of yours passed away over the weekend. Wool when it squeaks.

Gossip Girl wraps things up with awesome, awesome shit like "At the end of every war, the warriors come home, hoping what they've seen and done won't stay with them forever." Juliet puts a spycam in Colin's house, okay, so she can get a video of Serena showing up at his house, okay, to discuss the Fitzgerald book, okay, which he read sometime today even though they've been together almost the entire day, okay, and then Serena kisses him and just when you're like, "I knew this shit wouldn't last more than a week, that means the wolves will be here by Christmas break," she leaves him, bowtie all askew and half-bowtied, and she's like, "Later! Now I'm just being mean."

And down on the street, looking up and wondering if she's going to have to watch a video of her best friend-slash-stalking victim fuck her cousin, Juliet Sharp weeps the tears of a woman who knows she has damned her own soul, and lost any chance at that Archibald garden of delights. But hey, Serena needs to get expelled from college. That's the only way Ben will have his revenge: By taking away the one thing Serena... Never really cared about and in fact blew off for an entire year and is now taking two classes, neither of which she can actually find or be at. Then she'll know the pain of your whole family -- except for its three hottest early-twenties members, naturally -- suffering a fate that is sure to eclipse even What Happened In Santorini, or That Time Serena Didn't Kill Anybody.

Chuck shows up at Blair's to tell her that -- because she accused him of a harmless prank after telling him the sweetest thing she's said in a long time -- the treaty is over. They are no long trucified. "In fact, I can't remember: Why did we trucify ourselves?" Blair admits that the "pretense of civility" was exhausting -- actually it was awesome, they were like pouring tea for each other and shit, it was unnerving -- because "being amicable" isn't in their blood, and they can't be friends because of what she did tonight, and then shit gets wild, son!

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Gossip Girl




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