Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Heat/Stroke, Or: The Human Velocipede

Cyrus's gift for Blair is a signed copy of This I Remember. The inscription reads, Dear Blair, who won't be born for a good forty years after I'm dead, thanks so much one of these days. And remember: I may be my husband's legs, but I'll never accept de feat! Love, Eleanor Roosevelt. Funny old broad. Never really lost sight of the gag, that one.

Dan is full of shit about some things, and everybody's trying to eat breakfast around him, trying to walk down the sidewalk despite him, trying to take showers without him, all because he is hiding from Vanessa, because she is awful. So awful that they threw her off the commune and she had to come back to their DUMBO love nest for people who think they're above it but actually are way below it. So awful that people on a commune were like "Frankly you're a little self-righteous and off-putting."

"Oh, so now you're roomies with your ex," Eric helpfully explains, in case Dan saying that exact thing a second ago was too hard to follow. Because of the Palais Garnier, Blair's birthday party is taking place on Rufus and Lily's anniversary. What a conundrum. "Honey, should we celebrate making it through a year of marriage despite the best efforts of everyone else on this show? Or go to a child's birthday party? And just to make it harder to decide, this particular teenager has attempted to murder each of our children more than once. I simply can't make up my mind."

Dan suggests going on a road trip, so he can be even further away from Vanessa than he already is, but they say they're not celebrating at all, actually. (Like what's to celebrate? "Lily, you finally married enough rich guys that now you're the rich guy I'm marrying.") Not because of Blair's birthday, as important as that is, but because horrible Jenny refuses to come because horrible Blair has banned her and horrible Dan has double-banned her from the city. Guys, just go to dinner. If you're not throwing a party, just think about what you're actually celebrating: The fact that you are both such flakes that you can't even get pull it together to get a divorce.

Not even when you gave birth to a mystery baby from Boston in the middle of your actual wedding, that had died in a jet-ski incident but was actually stalking your son. Not even when Rufus lost track of his scarf that time. Not even when Dr. vdDubs himself was there, with his crazy henchwoman handing out pills and fake cancer. Not even when your other son got murdered in Prague and turned up in Paris with a fake name and a limp. Not even after What Happened In Santorini. Not even when Jenny was wrecking shop in like every way, tossing around drugs and tiny boats and her virginity, taking over Serena's room. Sending Eric into a workout rage. Getting sassy at dinner.

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Gossip Girl

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