Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Heat/Stroke, Or: The Human Velocipede

Blair's all, "I've never hated anyone more! Every nerve ending in my body is electrified! By hatred." Chuck goes, "There is a fiery pit of hate burning inside me. Ready to explode." Chuck literally says that; this is an actual conversation they are having. She is electrified in her nerves, and he is ready to fuckin' explode, dude. And then it's just crazy town sex romp boogaloo with her up on the piano and then he's hanging from a chandelier with a rose between his teeth and then she's strangling him with a garter belt and then he's running an ice cube all over her ass cheeks while they watch Italian cinema and then she's slapping him with a wet noodle and then they eat that noodle and then they're holding hands and spinning in a circle faster and faster until they almost fall down due to the throbbing centripetal pressure, the explody heat and nervy electric of it all, and then she rides him around like a pony, like a tiny pony, and she rolls into a big ball and he is a small ball and they roll around pretending to be a sexy naked pennyfarthing and then she puts on a top hat and a fake mustache and they do it all the same way again, but reverse, so like equal time is spent on Chuck's bowtie, right, at this point, and then just when you think it's all over? Boom: Madeleine Albright.

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Gossip Girl

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