Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Heat/Stroke, Or: The Human Velocipede

Because Eric's boyfriend is -- the king of Tuscany now? Or goes to Yale? One of the two -- gone right now, Eric's been having to bowtie his own bowtie for a while, which has been weird because, you know, Eric's not really what you call a natural bowtie-bowtier. More of a bowtie-bowtieee, if you get what I'm saying. Not that he didn't give it the old college try, sure. And with Asher at that! Looking back, that's not how I would have pegged Asher at all. ("Pegged.") But I guess it makes sense and, you know, the whole bowtie thing gets weird real fast, because it's artificial and heteronormative, and like with anything those people do, it gets weird fast. Maybe Eric will learn to enjoy bowtying other boy's bowties, or even his own bowtie if that's his choice, one day.

But until that day, which I do not think is ever coming, he's got a lot of time on his hands. And this leaves him susceptible to Douchebag Dan, in the absence of Chuck, who is Eric's actual best possible big brother, and that means schemes that are not schemes and evil that claims not to be evil and calling reactionary revolutionary and two-legs-bad and I dunno, voting against your own interest on the strength of an emotional appeal. In terms of Upper East Side politics, they are forming the Tea Party. Which frowns upon anybody bowtying anybody's bowtie, even your own bowtie, unless you are a witch.

Luckily, Dan knows a witch or two. So now he takes his little bro firmly in hand and says, "You know what our parents need for their anniversary? An urchin from under the pavement, that will hiss and claw at the sunshine, and eventually be murdered by the Queen of Manhattania." And Eric's like, "My short term memory is such that I can't even remember who I hate anymore. Used to be Jenny for no goddamn reason, then it was Chuck for the opposite of an actual reason, and now... I guess Blair? I'm gonna say Blair. Not sure why, but I've never really taken part in the political process before and I'm just pleased as punch simply just to be here."

Eric wants to axe Chuck for help but Dan automatically knee-jerks about that and then Eric points out that A) Chuck loves Lily, very true and very important, and B) Chuck is technically on their side as long as the war is still going on. They don't have to pick a side, they can just pretend that there's a third side of the war, and it is them. And nobody has the heart to tell them that they're not actually part of the conversation, because they wear adorable costumes -- Eric is wearing plaid, like, all the time now -- and don't much matter either way. So they get down to work, and the first thing they do is make a sign with Blair's picture and she has a little Hitler mustache on her and it says KEEP YOUR FUEDAL MONARCHY OF MY MEDICARE. Nobody knows what it means, but it gets like a million hits on the HuffPo and now Eric van der Woodsen is a minor celebrity among the smug hard-left. (Dan, of course, was already famous for having the most posts on the HuffPo. Of all people, him the most.)

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Gossip Girl




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