Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Heat/Stroke, Or: The Human Velocipede

Like Juliet, here on a street corner biting her nails like an insane person and openly tracking Serena's movements as she comes closer and closer. Finally, Juliet froggers across the street and acts like it's a coincidence that she's just standing there. She notes first the package in Serena's hands, which is an expensive bookstore bag, and assumes that the book is for Blair. Serena's like, "You've heard of books, I'm sure? I've been reading them for years now. No, but this is for my teacher." Juliet's teeth grow two inches and she turns into a vampire and quickly gets Serena to admit that she's "not" endangering her "academic" "career" or anything, just buying presents for a guy who happens to induce sexual hallucinations.

Juliet is like, "If you don't lock that shit down, he is going to fuck other girls." Serena has no idea what she's talking about, of course, because that's just not true because she's Serena, but it's still funny to hear Juliet talk like she understands things: "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but: He's a guy." Serena writes that down, promising to look it up later, and Juliet is like, "I am wise in the ways of guys, so if you need anything, be sure and come to me for advice, since you've never dated men before." Serena's like, "I really do need a mentor. A tutor. A teacher, if you will. Like in books. But I'm sure you knew that."

Which is true, but not because she's bad at guys: She's great at guys, which is why they're always dying or going to jail or starting Ponzi schemes or stealing horses or doing Things In Santorini or kissing her on a video billboard to the Kings of Leon or whatever. What the girl needs is some advice on not guys, because in that dept she's a little rusty. But since Juliet is in an increasingly incomprehensible war with Serena for reasons maybe we'll never learn, possibly asking her for bad advice about guys is a great way to get opposite-of-bad advice about everything else.

Palin/Perry 2012 is all, "We have a plan! Break the truce and then get Chuck to help Jenny!" You mean, repeat last episode when you shit on Jenny's head about exactly what you're now doing? Got it. You know, the chief danger in being a showrunner as your show ages is that you put together such a good writers' room that you trust them to take care of things and then go off to develop more things, because those very talented writers that you're so proud of are going to do whatever they fancy, which means a lot of times a show that should be one continuous story becomes twenty or so mini-movies that don't necessarily connect in any way. I mean, every show is prey to this, but some more glaringly than others. Like this shit with Dan, it works out because self-righteous hypocrisy is more delicious to these people than, ugh, waffles, but it doesn't really make sense because he was just embroiled in this scheme last week and pissed his last pair of skinny jeans about it.

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Gossip Girl

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