Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Heat/Stroke, Or: The Human Velocipede

So what would enrage Chuck Bass? His mother-not-mother-mother? His abusive-not-abusive-abusive dead father? His uncle-slash-tormenter Jack Bass? Yeah, so then Dan's like, "We'll tell everybody that Blair fucked Jack last summer in the south of France! Or how they're planning to do it again this Christmas!" Eric's like, "It's funny because it already happened! Also because he nearly raped my mom!" Dan's awesome plan, which is very Serena Plans all the way down, is that he will go over to Chuck's house, because they are friends, and tell Chuck he's sorry about Blair, because he cares so much about his old friend Charlie Trout. And just to really throw him off, Dan won't punch Charlie in the face, making this the first time they've ever been in a room together that he hasn't done that. And then just to up the ante a little more, he will gently cup Chuck's balls.

So their plan is to... Make her face smell like a foot. Got it. It would be sad if it weren't so clearly doomed to failure and thus awesome.

Serena spots Colin escorting a hot ethnic into his house and stares for a while before getting him to buzz her in. She gives him her "favorite" book, The Beautiful & Damned, which is an awesome book. Fitzgerald is the most wonderful writer, and it totally fits Serena's deal. I always call her out for the Russian tragedy motif but that's really Lily. S and B just borrow it from time to time. After a few minutes of frozen smile, Serena's embarrassed to go there but she does: "Where is she? I know she's up here!"

j/k, it was his housekeeper. "You, uh, were jealous of my housekeeper. I always pay her cab fare." This guy and cabs. They should just talk about fucking taxicabs all the time and leave the books out of it. Then Serena goes, "You know how we're not having sex, but instead just hanging out all the time in a sort of achingly horny masochistic fog?" He's like, "Are you gonna let me tie your bowtie, or knot?" And Serena's like, "No, I just came here to tell you I can't come here to tell you things or have sex coffee with you or anything, because as it turns out, not doing something you're trying not to do is a lot smarter than doing the things you're trying not to do." Colin is like, "If I weren't prepared for this bullshit, I wouldn't be dating teenagers. Speaking of teenagers, I have to go to your house tonight for a birthday party. Everyone who's everyone will be there. Even Rachel Zoƫ!" S calls Blair immediately to bitch her out for inviting people to her birthday party. "Look, how can I possibly control myself at a public function with Nobel Laureates watching?" B can hear the yodeling from her place, but doesn't care, because stop being a ho for like ten minutes: It's my birthday. You can turn it off.

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Gossip Girl

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