Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Heat/Stroke, Or: The Human Velocipede

Dan walks into Chuck's room and is like, "Hey, can I borrow some sugar?" Chuck tells him, "I gotcher sugar right here. Also, what the fuck do you actually want, Subtlety McPuncherface?" Dan's like, "You've seen through my sugary ruse. I want to tell you that Gossip Girl told me that Blair fucked Uncle Jack. And so I was thinking -- somehow -- that this would make you want to bring Jenny onto the island for the second week in a row, because you give such a shit about any of this at all."

Unseen, in the shadows, Blair chuckles darkly to herself, with a surprised affection. "Oh, Humphrey. You absolute scratching post of a nimrod. I can't wait to introduce my socialist Muslim agenda into your overworked, overgrown bureaucracy."

For a second the ridiculously clueless nature of this scene Dan's creating, the blue-collar futility of it all, makes Chuck feel protective of Dan, who is just in the weeds. For a second he's like a Brooklyn Bruce Springsteen, caught in a machine that will chew him up and spit him out, dreaming of one day getting in his electric car and driving all the way to Portland, but somehow always still working at that same truck stop and drinking the same sixer of PBR when the day is done. For a second he's like a straight Tracy Chapman saying, "You and I can both get jobs, and finally see what it means to be living." For a moment it would nearly be enough to hold him close and say, "You go where angels fear to tread, Daniel, but you do it with panache. Remember that time in jail? Sometimes now I make girls call me Charlie." But then the moment passes.

Chuck and Blair sit Dan down on leather so expensive it curdles at his virtuous touch, and explain to him the basic shit he's never understood. In one ear and out the other, and in the middle just a whooshing sound and his favorite quotes from (500) Days Of Summer. Blair casually mentions that Jack was in Chile all summer, which scares and shocks Chuck that she knows that, but she blows him off for reasons she won't disclose right now, which just makes him more anxious. They show him the treaty, which somehow pisses Dan off because it's elitist (?), and Chuck is more than happy to play into that class insecurity: "Humphrey, the intricacies of our war games are too complex for a prole like you to fathom."

So Dan goes on Fox News and is like, "Can you believe he said that? Like I'm too stupid to take part in politics just because I have no experience or knowledge to draw from. That's exactly what I'm talking about. That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about: Hardworking Americans being told things like that. 'You don't understand basic facts about the subject you're screaming about' and 'You don't even seem to understand the definition of the word "theory"' and 'What part of this is implied by "well-regulated militia"' and 'The GOP encourages you to vote against your own interests because they know you are just retarded enough to do so.' I mean, I just wish there were some candidates who hated the government as much as I do, so they could go be part of the government we both hate and continue to exploit my racism and resentment while doing exactly what they claim to hate! And maybe their campaign staff could curb stomp some people, like the Framers would have done."

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Gossip Girl




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