Steven dumped Serena for making a sex tape with ill intent, so she immediately glommed onto Dan Humphrey, the better to prove she is not merely a drowning socialite looking for her next lifeboat. Because nobody would ever suggest -- besides every girl I can think of on this show -- that Dan is anything like a strategy. Bart's idiotic plan for self-preservation -- after faking his death, traveling incognito with a literal whore circus, and whipping fake mother after fake mother directly at Chuck's head -- has come down to hiding the most official-looking official paperwork ever in the dumbest possible place. Eleanor may have figured out that giving her entire brand to a schizoid demented girl-child could have deleterious consequences, and Rufus has traded his upscale blonde sugarmama for a Floridian.
Fun, breezy splitscreens give us the latest in Blair's ongoing fashionista breakdown, as she attacks her various models and seamsters -- including Funny Blonde Minion -- on every level while expositing the necessaries to ever-fucking-present Dorota.
Dorota: "Remember when your slutty dress got even more slutty with Serena's sex tape playing over its debut? Eleanor's about five minutes out to destroy you on that one."
Minion: "And hey, by the way, VF just got around to publishing the Blair chapter of Dan's horrible deal. Which he sent them entirely to prove that he is exactly as awful as we thought."
Blair: "How dare he write that I'm 'conniving, manipulative, and stuck in high school?' What is he, a writer for this show?"
Dorota: "Hell have no fury like a Lonelyboy scorned."
Blair: "Oh, we got a real Gossip Girl over here you guys. Well, fuck it. Orders for the Sage Slut Dress are through the roof! Surely those dollar signs will dazzle my mother out of remembering that I'm shitting all over her legacy."
Eleanor: "-- Don't be so sure. I'll have you in the Ostroff Memorial Pedowitz Center so fast..."
There's some great, old-school business here, with Eleanor treating Dorota like the extra baggage she is -- fairly slinging purses and wraps at her useless sidekick head -- and hissing everybody into a fright.
Blair stands for a moment behind the desk, winking and wiggling -- she's wonderfully fun in these scenes, all elbows and eyelashes -- until Eleanor shoves her out and takes her rightful place. Blair, looking about a foot shorter than ever, takes her place across and begins to babble.