Dan: "To be fair, you had just orchestrated a sex tape to ruin my relationship."
Serena: "Your fake pretend one, yeah. Just like you sent Gossip Girl that tape that ruined Blair's wedding and pinned it on me."
Dan: "Wow, I totally forgot about that actually. But you're still a bitch so I win."
She chases him into the elevator, raining down real talk on him, but he gives as good as he gets. Serena was not making a shitload of sense by the end of last season, so he's got a fair amount to work with. Anyway, they realize that they are the worst and that they have no reason to do anything but hate each other, so of course the elevator stops working and they are stuck.
Dan: "Wow, this is some contrived shit."
Serena: "Some contrived shit that already happened to us on this show."
The bidding proceeds apace, as Charles comes running up the stairs in a beautiful sequence. Lily gets to call Ivy "gypsy trash," which made me laugh so hard I had to hit pause, but otherwise whatever. Chuck enters the bidding, so then all three of them make mean faces at each other and bid and then somehow Rufus ends up with a paddle and puts in the winning -- because the others are somehow distracted all of a sudden -- bid of $1.1M of somebody else's money... Just as Bart Bass is texting his wife to not sell that shit under any circumstances.
Lily: "Listen, sorry I called you gypsy trash and whatever, but..."
Ivy: "Don't even try it, bitch."
Lily: "Well, it seems like you mostly wanted to be seen publicly 'besting' me, which you've now done. So can I buy the painting back from you?"
Ivy: "No. And not for any reason."
Lily: "You gonna hang that in your little loft? Really?"
Ivy: "I will keep it under the bed or store it in Queens or something, just to be a little asshole about it."
Lily: "I knew you couldn't do better than me, but Jesus. You couldn't even try? I mean, at least I pretended you weren't my whore."
Rufus: "Your mistake lies in thinking I have any pride for you to attack, Lily. Good day."
Dan and Serena discuss the other episode where they were stuck in this elevator, like we're supposed to meaningfully connect events from this TV show to the original Gossip Girl TV show where these actors, confusingly, all played characters with the same names. They say bitchy, random nonsense for awhile, and then suddenly fall in love with each other just as the elevator starts working. Sound arbitrary? I am literally recapping what happened. Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy, nice. Although to be fair, I also teared up.