Gossip Girl
Where The Vile Things Are

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 4 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Spectrum Und Drang

EMPIRE

Nate: "Well, breaking into Bruce's phone was as easy as typing in the numbers he kept tracing absentmindedly along my sinewy thigh. But there's nothing here about the International Bank of Sudan."
Chuck: "Maybe it's a coded message to himself referring to some movie from a million years ago that was even dumber than Cloud Atlas but every bit as racist."
Nate: "...Oh, yep. Here it is. Traffic. Clearly this is a reference to them hiding the Very Important Envelope within a painting. Clearly."
Chuck: "You are very like Serena in that you're so dumb that literally anything could just be intuition. You just never know."

CONRAD

Rufus and Ivy enter the APF event. Rufus looks every bit his usual hot mess, but Ivy has upped her ante to infinity: Crimped hair, fright makeup, the whole nine. She looks like maybe a rock star in a 1984 episode of General Hospital or something. She looks like she's taking five from rolling around on the hood of a sudsy Mazda to get her stepdad horny enough to buy her and her friends some beer. It is the most awful thing she has ever done, and I include trouncing the heart of Chef Cutie that time so hard he became a killer of Vanderbilts and killed Blair's stupid baby.

Benedict Tate, APF PR: "Um, a guy who fell down the plastic surgery hole and an honest-to-God prostitute? Sorry, but we're not serving those today. We have a big bad Bass event."
Rufus: "You clearly don't know Ivy Dickens. She's the cousin and the sister and the impersonator of this one other girl on this show. I can't explain why she decided to dress like this, but I do know we are here to ruin this event."
Benedict Tate: "Sorry, but I don't actually care. You guys couldn't look sketchier if you were played by Tim Curry and Bernadette Peters."
Ivy: "Would a bajillion million gazillion dollars change your mind?"
Benedict Tate: "Yes. Except we still actually have to have the event so you can't just run off with all the paintings."
Rufus: "What if I supplied you with paintings vastly inferior both in technique and value? They're from the Catshit Coffee Emporium & Art Shack, which if you haven't heard of it yet, you're about to. It hearkens back to a time when artists were the real stars of New York."

BOWERY BUMS

Dan: "Wait, you mean people sometimes pretend they don't know how to play pool, and then make boys teach them even though they already know how?"

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