Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Time To Make Up Your Mind About People

Gossip Girl, why do you keep talking about the Rolling Stones? Normally everybody tunes you out because you make no goddamn sense, but even the most passive viewer seems to have picked up on your bizarre little theme this week. From a writing perspective it makes sense -- pick up a ball, run with it -- but for all the times to suddenly get cogent and precious, why the Rolling Stones references?

Dan is fussy because Serena and Ben are dating in his presence, staying up late playing those raucous Scrabble games Serena enjoys so much, drinking coffee, looking all blonde and cheekbony together. He bounces, and Ben's left with the pressure of Serena trying to get him to come to Eric's 18th birthday party that night. "Serena," he says, wincing at the very idea of Lily's existence. "I'm not eating her food, or drinking her wine, or smiling and pretending that everything's okay." Because usually Ben's such a bubbly fellow.

Eric's playing sick -- remember, the last time we saw him he was getting collared and homoeroticked by Damien Dalgaard in a funny hat -- and Rufus is saying shit like, "How's the patient?" and "Do I need to change my breakfast with Thurston?" and generally getting in everybody's way. Lily sadly cancels the birthday party, which as it transpires is a Little Kid theme -- Ace Of Cake-type cake, cotton candy, clowns, bunnies, clown-bunnies, forests of balloon bouquets, whatever gaywaddish Katy Perry nightmare accoutrements -- which is in addition to being completely awful is also not: A thing.

Blair does not have time to zip up her own dress, so busy is she being the new Anna Wintour despite being a teenager, and so she's leaning on Dorota even more than usual, even unto Serena noticing this is happening. Seems Blair's Powerful Womanhood is now so powerful she does not require sleep, and is living purely off her own crazy. S thinks this is because Chuck and Raina are all in love with each other's hidey-holes, but Blair assures her that she has become cold steel inside and will be taking everybody down with equal fervor and it has nothing to do with them, and then checks off a whole Cliff's Notes list of the shit they could possibly talk about (Ben, Lily) her typical responses to these topics (fuck off) and then, looping back around, another thing she doesn't care about: Raina was just named the head of G.I.R.L.S. Inc., Anne Archibald's foundation for the furtherment of lady-types (OUCH) for which Blair was once upon a time willing to give lap-dances, before the Three Witches turned themselves into Serena and locked her up in a cloven pine that time.

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Gossip Girl

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