Before Russell can leave, though, Kidd shows up for his meeting with Chuck, so Russell sticks around.
Eric's writing Damien his check when Lily comes back in, high on her spycraft, and gets all up in arms about it some more. "Eric! What is the meaning of this!?" Everybody stares and stuff, commercial break, and then she's like, "Are you on drugs again? A hundred grand worth of drugs?" No mom, it's because you are going to jail. Damien heads off for some mac and cheese and leaves the three van der Woodsens huffing and puffing amid by beautiful gifts and misapportioned rage.
Russell and Chuck get into a playground fight over Kidd, and eventually just stand there slapping their thighs and whistling to see which ridiculous person will get his money. Of course Russell has figured out the entire scheme with Lily and her ludicrous marriage to the human Swiffer, and Chuck finally tells Kidd about how the company is better if left intact, and Russell condescends and patronizes for awhile and tries to take Kidd out to dinner, but of course because it's realistic Kidd goes, "I think I'll stay and hear young Mr. Bass out," so Russell throws down a smoke bomb and disappears with maniacal laughter.
Just when everything is squirk itself up to eleven, Vanessa shows up to apologize to Dan for that time she engineered his sister's abduction and suicide attempt and then lied and sold out his other sister, and Dan of course is not having it, not ever but especially today, so V gets all disappointed and haughty and left out. As per.
"I'm relieved you're not going to overdose," says Lily's sense of appropriate parenting, "But you should have come to me with this." She sits down and explains that she was the one who did the felony and that it is ridiculous that -- just this one time -- her kids are having to pay for her egregious and constant mistakes. S rolls over immediately, because that's the most grown-up thing Lily has ever said, and then they have a big old birthday cuddle party and everybody cries. What Lily does not do is pull out her own checkbook, like she always, always does, because she's still smarting from the time Juliet taught her that generally, blackmailers will continue to blackmail you, because: Why wouldn't they.
Dan surprises Blair crying due to her failure with Bryn, the whole Chuck mess, and the fact that she has literally lost her marbles this time, and he's super sweet to her, and she's awful to him, and Dan's like, "How about this: You're only getting insane this time because you're feeling competitive with Raina." Blair's response is fabulous -- "She's from the Midwest!" -- and so is her followup: Drying her eyes, chasing Humphrey out the door barking at him, and then looking for some more trains to wreck.