Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Time To Make Up Your Mind About People

Turns out the Art History minion earned her an F because she went to Regular History and wrote the essay, and then just when it's darkest she finds out she did one thing right: Her intern wrote her W blog for her. "All that stuff about servants being like belts and purses, overpriced and interchangeable? It was really funny! Or mean..." Blair's like, "Mother fuck. Did I say anything about needing help from my friends and peers?" Oh, you betcha: "Friends are the fashion fundamentals!" the minion chirps, and Blair's heart grows a size or two, because my God that is exactly what Dan Humphrey would ghostwrite, if he were pretending to be Blair Waldorf.

Outside, check in hand, Damien gets beaten up once again by Ben Donovan, who warns him to stay away from Lily and the usual litany of warnings, because this time he actually will kill Damien. He yanks the check out of his hands and he's like, "Don't let these cheekbones and soft girly voice fool you, I am a hard bastard. I got the Captain beaten up in jail and I will hire ex-cons so fast to kill you." Um... Hands up if you can remember why that happened. I have encyclopedic recall of this show and I can't remember, is how dumb it was. Something about Juliet dating Nate, was it? Ah well. I still miss Juliet. (And Tripp.)

"I always knew you read too much Shakespeare to be sane," Damien says for some reason, and then he totally goes, "Bygones," and then Gossip Girl says some more incomprehensible shit about the Rolling Stones, and then guess what: Vanessa Abrams, little pitcher/big ears, finally with a haircut that makes sense, overhearing the whole thing and seeing her chance to get back into the crew by ousting its newest member. Her like one move.

(Maybe she'll try to have a threesome with Ben and Serena, because not only is that her other move but it's obviously something everybody would try, if you had a shot at that. They should just make her do that all the time, that would be awesome. Or, or, she could be the Chuck from the books -- since Jenny is already kind of the Vanessa from the books -- and she could get a pet monkey and turn gay. And then she could finally be with Dan. Everybody wins!)

Even for Nate, this whole "getting Raina to the party" thing is going pretty slow. Chuck shares a manful handshake with Kidd and then calls Nate, who is nearly in tears about his inability to Be Places with Raina in tow, and Chuck tells him it's fine... But really, back at their apartment, it's because Raina has already decided that she wants to be with Nate forever and ever, through all kinds of weather and in all kinds of places. Starting with the butt.

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Gossip Girl

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