Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You

Nate and Vanessa have a disgusting conversation about how he's about to -- "drumroll, please" -- take the subway to Queens. Do not play into her shit, Nate Archibald! Don't go down like Serena! I love you too much! Do not apologize for your life! "Your name's on the list, but if you don't see me, just look for Dan and our friend Sarah. They'll know where I am." Nate's eyebrows perk up. "Wait, Sarah's there? With Dan?" She makes fun of him because of course Dan's at Rufus's show, but Nate explains that he's talking about Sarah, who is actually Georgina, and the problem there is ... a mystery thing he's not allowed to say, so he just describes it as "this really messed up story," and tells V not to trust her. I hope Vanessa makes a huge fucking deal about this!

So tight: Chuck taps Lily on the shoulder, discreetly handing her an address; she excuses herself with it. That's all it takes. I love Chuck Bass. Nate calls B: "I only have a second, I'm on my way to Queens." Ugh. Gross. Why? "To meet Vanessa at a concert." Got grosser! Heh, Blair. You kid. Nate explains that he and V are "hanging out," which is not even B's biznatch anyways, but whatever, Georgina's there with Dan, so even though Serena is being all drama and won't just let them off the leash so they can go kill her already, they should still know. "Where are you right now?" 74th and Lex. "Don't move. Pick you up in ten."

Lily, with the address in her hand, tells Bart she has to make a run for it and fix the Serena issue. "Now? It's our rehearsal dinner. And you're the bride." All true, but Lily's also a mom, and that's more important. Bart is cool: "So your problems are my problems, let me come and help." Not this time, buddy. Or... most times, apparently. "There seems to be a lot lately that you can't explain." The explanation is that this is between Lily and her daughter, and since this whole fucking deal is for Lily's benefit anyway, just let her go already. It's obviously a huge thing. She kisses his cheek and takes off; Chuck notices the gleaming evil in Blair's giant grin, and asks what's going on with her. "What if I told you I knew where Georgina Sparks was right now?" Chuck doesn't smile with his mouth, but he smiles anyway: "I'd say let's get the bitch." YES! "Spotted: Blair and Chuck, reunited to defend Serena's honor. With friends like these, who needs armies?" They roll out like evil! Most excellent!

The towncar pulls up outside a townhouse, which Lily reveals is where Pete grew up. "His parents are expecting you." Serena gets super scared, but Lily looks her in the eye. "Sweetie... If I've learned anything in life, it is that sometimes things get in your path, and you have a choice. You can either smash right into them, or you can adjust and move around, but you have to do one or the other in order to move forward." Word. Serena freaks, but Lily promises she'll be right by her side. Thank heavens for Blair Waldorf and the mom powers of Lily and Blair working together; and also Chuck and Blair doing black ops on her behalf, while the whole time she's streaking mascara and falsely accusing herself of murder and randomly breaking up with Dan and refusing to pull it together for even one second. OMG Serena, it takes a fucking village.

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Gossip Girl




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