Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You

Lisa Loeb is actually singing "Stay" as Dan gets the breakdown from Georgina, who tells the following lies: Her ex went nuts on her when they broke up, busted into her car, vandalized her room, she changed her numbers and moved in with a friend and he found her again -- this girl is good -- and finally her mom just told her to change her name and leave town. It's the second round of Sleeping With The Enemy that makes it art. And the weeping is so genuine that I'm like, "Wouldn't it be a crazy twist if this was also true?" I mean, I have accepted that we're never going to have another group dance sequence or a capella "Glamorous," but I think I could stand it more if things were just crazy enough that Georgina's ex-boyfriend story were additionally true on top of her being a raving psychopath. "I hate being away from my family, but... It's better than getting hurt, right?" Dan assures her that she's doing the right thing, and she apologizes for not saying anything before, but he understands that it was a secret.

And then the girl just goes for broke: "And I also didn't want you to think less of me, because I haven't wanted to admit it, but, um... From the moment that I met you, I've been falling for you... OMG! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't... I don't know what I'm saying!" I mean, it's Master Class when you just... That's like Errol Flynn chopping down the chandelier, I love it. There are cheers for the middle of the song before the last coda, and he's like, "Let's go talk about how amazing I am somewhere quieter," and G points out that Lincoln Hawk is about to go on, but of course Dan's more interested in being the love object, and points out anyway that his father -- from whom he inherited one half of his self-absorption genes -- will be forcing everybody to watch this on YouTube for the next five years. (Ahem: Humphreys. They only hear what they want to, they don't listen hard, and they don't pay attention to the distance that you're running, to anyone, anywhere; they don't understand if you really care; they're only hearing negative. Lisa knows.) The end of the song starts up and he takes her hand, and she smiles brilliantly, and the second he turns to lead her away, she gets all scary again. I mean that eyebrow starts talking language only Nate Archibald understands, such is the crazy of its arch.

Rufus sings "Every Time," which is one of the thirty-eight songs about Lily, and it goes like this. "Every time you walk away or run away, you take a piece of me with you there," and then you just sing that part like a hundred billion times. It's catchy. Nate comes in to see Vanessa, dragging Blair and Chuck behind. V is happy to see him, but can't help herself: "Hmm. Some date we've got here. You even brought your friends, the ones I can't stand." Blair drops her with a mighty roundhouse kick to the throat and asks where Georgina is, but Nate reminds her that Serena got all drama for no reason about them not tossing Georgina's limp pale body in the river. Chuck assures him that their appetite for destruction outweighs any bourgeois fears Serena may have about her rough trade ex-boyfriend. Vanessa snots that G's gone: "She just took off. If I could only find Dan... He's around here somewhere..." Nate and Vanessa go look for Dan, even though Vanessa still doesn't know what's going on. Frankly at this point I'm concerned that Nate's grasp on the particulars might have gone a bit fuzzy. It's a long drive.

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Gossip Girl




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