Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You

The analogy -- if you were, for example, Serena van der Woodsen -- would be going on a wonderful fun bender that never ends, and finally falling asleep, only to find upon waking that you've lost three days, and your mother's wedding is in the morning. That entails a lot of running around and getting the seating charts arranged and ordering the flowers, which is all this episode is: it gets everybody in place for the finale. Lily and Rufus over here, Nate and Vanessa in the corner, Chuck and Blair united in terror, Dan and Georgina and Serena facing off. Just as it should be. This is just how we get there.

"In our modern age, when you can call someone and can't find them, you can pretty much be sure they'll get the message," laughs Gossip Girl, as Georgie makes... somewhere between five and ten calls to Serena's phone, growing increasingly creepy and threatening as only a teenage girl's voicemails can be: "I think we should hang out today. Friends hang out..." Gossip Girl points out that of course, if they don't call you back, that means you're in the modern age of getting your crazy ass avoided. Or else you're calling somebody who's already lost.

Rufus is playing guitar in the kitchen when Dan enters; he asks him if "Track Me Down" should come before or after "Everytime" on the set list for his -- this is kind of sad -- Rolling Stone Top Ten Forgotten Bands of the '90s Show. Which somehow is going to be sponsored and shown on VH1 Classic (my favorite channel of all time, because any time you turn it on it's going to be either the Gloria Estefan video with the cat people, or Walter Egan, and both of those are like birthday presents from God). Rufus is very excited, because his original RS was a high-seller, and bonus, there's a follow-up article plus the concert, with an amazing co-headliner I can't wait to tell you about. Plus, the obligatory "overpriced CD sold at corporate coffeehouses for Gen Xers without taste buds or taste," per Dan. Sigh. Not hating Starbucks is the new hating Starbucks, PS.

Rufus makes a joke that's not really a joke, or anything more than a tragedy, about how VH1 "classic" he really is, and meets a blank and self-absorbed stare from his lovely son. "Uh-oh, no retort. Signs of a sleepless night. Disinterest in making your father feel old and irrelevant... That can only mean one thing. Girl trouble." As per usual. Dan explains that he and Serena have moved into a new phase of their relationship, where she lies all the time right to his face. The new part is, of course, that he's not forcing her to do it by making her feel ashamed about her entire life and soul. He protests that he has asked her the deal approximately ten thousand times, and Rufus asks if he actually meant it even one of those times.

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Gossip Girl




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