Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
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I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You

"Most times, when people don't offer the truth, it's because they're afraid of what someone might think. And I don't know if you know this, but you can be a pretty judgmental guy." Which, just like with Jenny last week, drives me bats because it doesn't count if he's right, which he has been since this shit started. You're not paranoid if they're actually after you; you're not being a judgmental prick if your girlfriend really is a slut-spiraling murderess. Dan spends the entire time being a fucking saint, and getting crapped on anyway, which is so very Gossip Girl a way to address the issue of him being Dan all the time.

Well, almost perfect: "So you're saying that I should learn to be someone else around her so she can be herself around me?" (Well, no. Actually what you need to do is give yourself, Serena, and everybody else on Earth the option of being themselves without your help, but that's a baby-steps way to get there, I guess. I'm not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance with you. And I mean, not to retread, but Serena's actually, if possible, grosser than Dan for being up for it in the first place. Because if a boy like Dan is in love with you for many years and is more of a virgin than most virgins, let me tell you that she has the option of whipping his cute ass into model citizenship faster than you could knock Vanessa Abrams off her goddamn Vespa. She chooses to hang him around her neck like a Brooklyn albatross, and the reason she does this is because she killed somebody. So even though the price of being around Dan is being around Dan, for everybody, she's the only one who is actually looking to pay that price, as penance. And as a reminder of what normal actually is. And the fact that all of this shit is imaginary and exists only in Serena's head, well, she's seventeen and prone to drama, plus a dude dropped dead in front of her big old pretty face.) "Couldn't have said it better myself," says Rufus, and I mean: he couldn't. Dan thanks his father politely and goes off to find Serena and get straight with her, and Rufus says he's looking forward to seeing both of them at the sad ass concert of shame.

Vanessa's just climbing onto her goddamn Vespa outside the coffeeshop when Nate, for about the eleventh time, appears out of nowhere like a sexy tiny vampire. Vanessa explains that his stalking info is still correct, but she's traded shifts to go be Rufus's roadie for the day. She asks Nate when he's going to ask her out on a real live normal no-Chasez-included date-date, and instead of immediately asking her out, Nate gets a call from B urgently freaking out about secret emergencies. He focuses back on Vanessa and asks what she's up to later: "Uh, me, Lincoln Hawk, a dirty van and a lot of cables?" Throw in some viral encephalitis and I'm so in. They agree that their date-date is the sad ass concert of shame, 7:30, she'll text the address. Which is in Queens, which we know Nate can locate, as least as long as there's sexy Hobbits involved.

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Gossip Girl

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