Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You

Georgina greets him with the fakest-sounding laugh so far, and shifts right into Sarah mode. He's like, "I'm totally suspicious and weird! What are you doing here?" Seeing a friend visiting from Portland, of course. You can tell Dan's off his game by the fact that he approves this story without even demanding this "friend's" social security number and DOB. He gets very sweet and sad: "Oh, I just... I came looking for Serena, but she, uh, apparently didn't come home last night, so I'm just... I don't know. I'm trying to figure out what to think. She's been... Well, let's just say she's not been herself lately. So I... I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what to do exactly." Aww. Georgie, acting kind of sad and crazy herself, suggests that he call her, like she's been doing, only when Serena sees Dan's name, she'll "immediately pick up" and tell you all about it. Jealousy doesn't go too well with crazypants either, sister.

His phone of course rings, from S, and he answers very happily: "Hey, I've been looking all over for you!" But it's not S, it's Drew. Drew Who? "The bartender at 1OAK. Some girl left this phone here last night, it's been ringing off the hook all morning. You were the first number on the speed dial..." (Note: never call the first number, always call the parent or home listing. You are trying to solve a problem, not create more.) "Tall, blonde, left here around two with three guys. Skipped out on her tab, which was pretty substan..." Dan hangs up and feels horrible some more and can't even summon up the strength to complain about this latest screwy development. "Spotted: Lonelyboy on the Upper East Side, learning the lesson that nothing stays missing for long..."

Blair finally arrives back home. "...Things always turn up. For better..." Nate asks if she's dicking them around or finally trying for that threesome they obviously need to get out of the way, and Blair's like, "No, this is for real." She motions toward the elevator, where Serena is busy looking busted. She's got like her shoes in a pile, those black-eyed demon eyes happening, hair all a mess. I mean, it's Serena: still hot. But for Serena, she looks fucking tin roof rusted.

"...Or for worse." Nate almost starts crying/gnawing on his fist, but eventually pulls it together, and they drag her upstairs, Blair shouting out orders all over the place. After the commercial, they've made it as far as the bedroom upstairs, where Serena is mostly interested in sleeping some more, on the floor or propped up against something, and Blair's trying to get her in the shower. This is some freshman behavior. I thought all these people were totally jaded? Just leave her in the living room until she pukes a bunch of times and then send her home in a cab. Girlfriend needs some TLC. Blair buzzes around like an entire hive of bees and sends Dorota running for everything she can think of; Chuck produces bagels. Blair starts to undress Serena in the bathroom, and Chuck calmly watches his sister getting naked until Nate finally shuts the door.

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Gossip Girl




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