HERRICK PARK, EAST EGG
Literary tyro and Hamptons enthusiast Daniel Humphrey is, of course, playing in the Artists & Writers' Softball game, because now he is Inside. Even if nobody knows that. Maybe he's just there to kiss ass? That seems about right. Either way he couldn't be more horrified when his dad Rufus -- skinniness no less surprising than Dan's own return to an even bushier version of his sexy old asymmetrical curly-mop D.H. Lawrence Look -- shows up, spilling martinis on children and dribbling relish down his polo.
Dan: "I was sure you'd be in London, helping Invisible Jenny settle into St. Martins! An art school in London where we will never see her again!"
Rufus: "I didn't know who designed Princess Kate's wedding dress, so she and Invisible Eric kicked me all the way across the Atlantic. Fashion is important."
Dan: "So now I am stuck with you?"
Rufus: "And also with this!"
Out comes another Howler, bopping Dan upside his coif and blowing his bang back.
Rufus: "Listen, I've been ignoring your obvious relationship with Blair since it started last year or several years ago. You're still 'friends,' right?"
Dan: "Yeah. Friends. That have a Milo in the oven maybe."
Rufus: "I do not respond well to nonverbal or social clues, so the fact that this save-the-date has destroyed you fundamentally has passed me by."
Dan: "I wonder if she sent one to Chuck. I sure hope she did. And I hope he died."
Rufus: "If he's anywhere that FedEx can reach..."
Dan: "I don't understand what you mean by that. Is it... Are you being rhetorical?"
Rufus: "No, I'm talking about how every season premiere we always wonder where Chuck is, because he's gloriously untethered to conventional morality or GPS."
Jay McInerney: "Look, kid. I vouched for you with security because I have a ludicrous thing to tell you, but the aging rockstar's gotta go."
Rufus: "It's cool. I still have lots of envelopes, packages and expository messages to deliver about my Invisible Wife & Children, because that is my only purpose on this program."
THE GOSSIP GIRL VERSION OF CALIFORNIA
Beautiful: Nathaniel Archibald wakes on the deck of a glamorous yacht, unsure of where he is. He looks to the left, to the right. He is untroubled.
Damned: Charles Bass rides a motorcycle, looking fairly gorgeous, riding too fast because his vampire girlfriend is off in Monaco and he needs to have some feelings: Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes. Some of them in hairstyle.