Zoë Bell: "I am the only stunt person anybody knows of. Can I give you a tour of the set?"
Chuck: "Yes. You sure can. I think also you could benchpress me."
Zoë Bell: "Don't get ahead of it."
Marco: "You are not allowed to talk to Jane. Consider yourself cock blocked."
Nate, verbatim: "The zip codes may be different, but douchebags are the same no matter where you go. But now he's gone. Go find Jane."
Nameless Casting Agent, C.S.A.: "Hey, S. Is this glorious specimen my noon audition?"
Serena: "Yes. Yes, that's totally how things work, from what I can tell. Say yes, Nate!"
Serena: "You're gonna be great! You act like a person all the time."
Dan: "Hey, Epperly. When you're not busy firing me from jobs I know you love doing me favors. Thanks for calling VF and finding out that Graydon Carter personally reads the slush pile."
Epperly: "[Muted trombone sounds.]"
Dan: "Oh, you mean it was agented? I have a literary agent I don't know about? Everything about this is illegal and illogical, you say? Okay, I have to go."
Rufus: "Wait, so why would Vanessa steal your book and sell it to a huge publisher behind your back? And do you think she might have talked to your Invisible Sister?"
Dan: "Why on earth would she do that?"
Rufus: "I never know what I am talking about."
Dan: "Anyway, this is one gift horse I'll be inspecting mouth-first. It's not because I'm so very talented, it's because my story is about a celebrity. I'm the Hamish Bowles of... Actually, I'm kind of just Hamish Bowles."
The fucking awesomest thing I ever read in Vogue was this mindblowing profile Hamish did of Blake Lively where they went surfing ("Isn't surfing a gas, Hamish?" asks Jon. "It's soul candy") and at one point he looks over and she's suddenly on her back on the surfboard, staring up at the instructor saying, "I want to watch you watch the wave. To see what you are experiencing." I nearly called Gwyneth right then and told her she'd been replaced in my heart, because that shit is gold. It is soul candy.
Dan, trusting in his ability to connect random dots like an insane shut-in, abruptly peaces. Sayonara DUMBO loft, hello third-act complication!
Blair: "Louis, I prematurely accept your apology."
Louis: "I must prematurely preempt said unspoken apology. I bend to Maman in all things. I smooth for the future in this way."
Blair, verbatim: "The future! Is here!"
Louis: "You know how every episode last season I would come up with some hard-and-fast rule about the dynasty that we might ignore only at our peril, and then by the last act it was suddenly not that big a deal at all?"
Blair: "I'll prematurely take this as an apology. I'll take what I can get, apology-wise."