Vanessa and Nate play out Gift Of The Magi, but unsurprisingly get each other the same retarded thing: tickets to the opera, where of course the entire cast is going to be, including Blair's gay dads. Of course Nate's tickets are like a hundred billion times better than V's, and of course she makes a mess of it, and of course nobody cares and nobody ever will, although Dan and Nate are back to being bros. (Sweet!) Meanwhile, Lily formally debuts Rufus into society, and he does even worse than you think, but with both better hair and funnier ignorance shtick than you might hope; best of all, Chuck calls Rufus Lily's mistress.
Mes deux papas français Harold and Roman come bearing Yale colors and a Yale bulldog for B, talking about Gilmore Girls and giving B the opportunity to talk shit about Rory Gilmore before dragging her off to the opera. Meanwhile, she's become obsessed with the new English teacher -- to the negatory, while Serena is girlcrushing all over her -- who stupidly gives her like a 99% and thus gets herself blood vendetta'd. At the last second, after a painfully hassle-tastic two hours, B apologizes sincerely for the first time since her unholy birth, but it's too late: Miss Carr has reported her minor inconvenience to the new fake Headmistress "Queller," and B is put under some mysterious "detention" thing that sounds like she's going to be picking up trash on the highway or spearing beavers for their fur in Quebec or, I don't know, saving the Brooklyn Inn with Abrams.
Which would be fine, except for how this show still doesn't exhibit a fucking quantum of knowledge about college admissions, and apparently "detention" is enough to put your early admission on hold, because major universities are really just waiting calls about whether or not you falsified dinner reservations for a dumbass teacher on her second day at work. The early admission, BTW, Blair only got because suddenly Serena van der Woodsen doesn't feel like going to Yale -- where Dan Fucking Humphrey is going, because watching Lily and Lily's mistress Rufus is stomach-turning -- but rather Brown. Not that she tells the violently insane Blair Waldorf that she got in when B was just wait-listed, and anyway Brown is where she wanted to go in the first place, and where her patchouli stink won't stick out, but Dan throws a big fucking fit about everything. Which: whatever, he was going to do that anyway.
Mainly, given the total downer of last week: Lily finally realizes that she can solve both her resented-by-Chuck problem and Chuck's cheated-by-Uncle Jack problem by finishing up the adoption procedure she and Bart started before his death. She signs it easily and joyfully, Chuck is grateful and she becomes his legal guardian, freezing Jack out. (This is only after Lily shoots down Chuck's hilarious bad-taste suggestion that they John-John the Bass jet into a mountain.) This causes Jack to get wicked coked up and pretty far down the checklist of raping her before Chuck saves her and beats Jack's head in. It's like To Catch A Thief! But with rape! This is all happening BTW while Lily's mistress Rufus is accidentally putting the moves on some random dude at the opera, and never the wiser. Later, despite Chuck's protestations, R and Lily are all about how much they love each other, and Chuck finally moves back home, and it's amazing. I can't wait to see Eric do an actual loop in the air like a poodle.
Not next week: B goes after Shakespeare teacher in a huge way, tossing around terms like "black ops" and "long-term engagement"; said teacher goes after Dan just as vigorously, and hopefully S's beloved Slutford-on-Avon shoves the stake through Dan/Serena for good.
"True love and betrayal, revenge and more revenge, a heroine with an impossible goal... If only Mozart had lived on the Upper East Side." Oh, good. I don't like opera, it makes me feel like I'm being scolded, but one thing you can trust about this show is that even if the whole episode has an opera theme, it's not really going to make you listen to the horrible sounds of opera.
Blair's gay dads Harold and Roman have randomly shown up at Chez Eleanor to present themselves as a sort of life-sized gift basket of Yale crap. They even got Dorota a giant white lace "Y" for her usual maid costume. "But you can keep your Magic Flute, Amadeus. All this queen wants is a golden ticket to Yale." Harold's creepy face welcomes B to the concept of breakfast, while Roman points out the obvious Yale colors of all the breakfast food, blueberries and the like, and then randomly they talk about how Blair's been nervous about early admissions day for a bit, but went all-out last night watching Gilmore Girls ("Oh, I am so a better fit for Yale than that Rory!") and there's a whining sound, and B assumes it's D groaning like a bulldog, but in fact it's a real bulldog, whom Harold has named "Handsome Dan" in deference to the Yale mascot. B is not feeling that name, hilariously, and decides to just call him "Handsome."
I want to marry the internet and have little wikibabies! Check it. Handsome Dan I (1889-1897) was the past life of Blair Waldorf: "He would bark ferociously and work himself into physical contortions of rage never before dreamed of by a dog." Handsome Dan II died of a broken leg; Handsome Dan III was retired due to emotional instability; Handsome Dan IV got run over by a car; Handsome Dan V was called Bull until IV got hit by that car, then became V and died of old age; Handsome Dan VI "died mysteriously at age two," either from fear of fireworks or "of shame from seeing Yale lose to both Princeton and Harvard in the same year"; Handsome Dan VII and VIII were also retired due to emotional instability, being a rage-oholic and agoraphobic, respectively; Handsome Dan IX fell off the dock at the Yale Boathouse and drowned in the mud and then was resuscitated, only to die of acute kidney disease; XI retired due to arthritis, "loved football but had a tendency to doze in the sun during games," and "was frequently sighted on Martha's Vineyard during the tourist season"; XII got kidnapped; XIII was retired due to old age twice, and is regarded as the "most noteworthy of the Handsome Dans" because he did lots of weird tricks; Handsome Dan XIV was the descendent of a prizewinner named Hetherbull Arrogant Frigott but had the inbreeding overexcitement issue and died of a heart attack; and before the 1908 Harvard-Yale Game, supposedly the Harvard coach Percy Haughton strangled a bulldog to death in the locker room to motivate his players. Which is harsh, but nothing is as harsh as Wikipedia's eye for the cold hard facts: "Whether this is true or not, Harvard did win 4-0." If you told me all those stories were about previous generations of Archibalds I would believe you.