Eva can't take her eyes off the gorgeous socialite in the red ballgown rushing past her into the train station, or the ugly pink diamond necklace around her neck that is probably worth about a trillion dollars and which my friend Martha pointed out is totally stolen. Or maybe they were like, "Prince Grimaldi told us she might do this. Put it on his tab." And then following behind the gorgeous brunette, those same boobs from earlier, followed in turn by the mysterious lady who visited their shanty earlier today in the middle of the murder investigation she was solving. "I knew it was too good to be true," closed-captioning purports her to say. "Who is she?"

Well, Danielle Rousseau, that is a long motherfucking story. Suffice to say that either they will both be dead shortly, or your Prince-impersonating boyfriend is going to have his fifth epiphany this week. Hope the clothes you bought for India are equally appropriate for New York City... Or shame. What would Harry Potter do? Sia is the violins of our generation. You can hear her singing about her sad hurt feelings even now, Eva. I think we both know how this is going down.

"Just because you're dressed poorly doesn't mean you're not Chuck Bass," Blair says. You can tell she's nervous because it's both a shitty opener and also patently untrue. In fact, he has never been hotter. Those French peasants can tailor your shit like it's on fire. Chuck says that, regardless, he doesn't want to be Chuck Bass. Also, why does she care that he got shot? She's certainly capable of doing it herself. Then another shitty line, whose success is down completely to Meester: "I have, many times. In my dreams. The good ones."

Having caught the repeating virus from his countrymen, Chuck explains about how the burden of identity was lifted by the fact of his missing wallet and that "I might be alive, but Chuck Bass didn't have to be," gimp leg or no. It's a charming scene thanks entirely to chemistry so I won't try to reproduce it here, because on paper the dialogue is embarrassing, so we'll just say that he hoped, in time, for Henry Prince to be somebody worthy of respect, and love. Blair's position is that Chuck Bass was once worthy of those things, and in that girl's honor they both need to grow up and past this, because he has family in America who loves and misses him. "I don't think that great man you're talking about wanting to be is a coward. I think he would face up to what he did." Then she explains, with very little shaking, that she's not in love with him anymore, and that he doesn't need to feel guilty for destroying her, because "it takes more than even you to destroy Blair Waldorf."