Blair and Serena are staying now at a house in Paris that Eleanor and Cyrus bought, so as to have a residence closer to her gay ex-husband. Forgot that part. Anyway, Blair comes home and won't shut up about the Dan/Nate non-situation. "Now that I'm an egalitarian, I'll accept it even if you choose Dan. And not just because he's ahead in the Gossip Girl poll." Serena's like, "Hold up, who's Dan? And who is Nate? And what is Gossip Girl? And by poll, do you mean what Poppy made me dance on?"

Subject at hand: "B, I went to the morgue today." Blair honestly, hilariously, assumes that she's talking about a sex club. I can't imagine a sex club called The Morgue in Paris; conversely, if you told me it was a flourishing Berlin franchise I would just ask how much stock Chuck Bass owns in it and when it's coming to the UES. "A place where they keep dead bodies," Serena explains, wanting to share her newfound knowledge. Digging out the buried lede and then explaining it backwards, she tells Blair that her ex-boyfriend and current love-of-all-time, Chuck Bass, was shot and murdered. But then he wasn't. But he's still missing, so he might be.

Blair breezily explains that Chuck is not dead, and in fact is not missing, and as usual Serena and her stupid mom are streets behind. "He was on the Rue de Charenton an hour ago. Gossip Girl said I was in Paris. Where else would he be?" It is my own hope one day to have such solipsistic sense of self, that such huge coincidences would fall before my shrug, murders erasing themselves in time and space, just because of how self-obsessed I am. Serena worries because this still means that Chuck is on some kind of Lost Weekend, but again B bests her. "I could care less about his Bassets. And besides, he's probably filtering his finances through some foreign government so that I won't know he's stalking me."