"Georgina went for a spa weekend right after Dan signed the birth certificate," Rufus whines. "We need to get our own paternity test done while she's gone!" THEN DO IT, YOU WASTE OF SPACE. Even Lily is like, "Crazycrotch told us we could, it's not even a problem. Meanwhile, Dan Humphrey can't even take care of himself and you've left him in DUMBO with somebody else's life in his hands. A deceitful Fashion's Night Out volunteer could be molesting him as we speak."

And what will Lily do about this? How will she help? Devote a floor of her mansion in the sky to taking care of the baby, like hateful Eleanor Waldorf did for her housekeeper's child? Perhaps take Dan some waffles and give him a chance to shower or gab endlessly about Serena or, um, wonder where Georgina went? Or GET A FUCKING PATERNITY TEST? Take it into her own hands to point out that Georgina has totally vanished and is not coming back? No, not Lily. She's too caring for that. She's going shopping, duh.

Step One: Juliet tells Vanessa that Dan has feelings for her. Step Two: As the pathetic wretch she will always be, Vanessa believes her. Step Three: The End. No more steps. That's all it takes. Juliet, you work fast and I admire that, but once Blair -- even Serena, to be honest -- comes back to town, you're going to learn you've been playing polo in the shallow end. Step Four probably: You will be kidnapped and abandoned in a foreign country, just as happened to the last two bitches that messed with Serena's stuff.

Serena has been working her way (Drinking? Mais non, she is on the case) through all the bars of Paris -- "[Chuck] has an intimate relationship with alcohol," she explains -- looking for Chuck. If Oncle Alphonse can't identify her brother, she's screwed. Oncle Alphonse cocks his head to one side at the photograph, then turns it over to look at the backside. The backside, he remembers. They always do. "He doesn't drink here, but he looks very much like my new waiter. He came to Paris from Prague, with my niece. He doesn't do much talking, especially about himself. Not that he needs to talk! Mon Dieu, the mouth on that boy." She nods wearily and pretends to care.