This morning: Waldorf is holding bridesmaids tryouts among her minions, Payne's adding herself to Nate's "to-do list" if you know what she means, Chuck is in therapy and Dan has debuted at No. 9 on the NYT bestseller list.
Dan: "What did, uh, Lincoln Hawk's first single debut at?"
Rufus: "Eight. Ah, but don't pay too much attention to that stuff. That was the '90s!"
Dan: "It's all I can think about."
Rufus: "It is also all I can think about."
Nate & Payne: "[Innuendos about doing it.]"
Nate: "Can I be your date to the big party at the end of the episode?"
Nate: "You know how on this show there's always a..."
Diana: "No, I mean what? You're a teenager. I would be a laughingstock. I know you think cougars are hot so you don't understand the pressure we're under, but there's a reason Elizabeth Hurley is so rich and it's not because makeup companies like making women feel great about their looks. Me dating you is like Eric van der Woodsen dating a Republican congressman."
Nate: "Look, I just follow the script. And for me, that means that in the sixth episode of a relationship, I start whining about being more than a pretty face. Then you surprise me that you're fucking your stepson, or you sell me to a..."
Diana: "Nate, I don't have time for it. You talk too slow."
Nate: "Can I at least tell my friends?"
Diana: "First, take a bunch of iPads around as invitation gifts. I have funny ideas about running a business. Under no circumstances should you and Ivy switch lists about who delivers which iPads."
Nate & Ivy: "That sounds like a ridiculous plot device that exists only to cause drama in the fourth act."
Diana: "That is actually my middle name. Diana Human Plot Device Payne. I am part iPad, part ocelot."
Ivy: "I knew I shouldn't have worn heels today. To my job."
Chuck: "The dream starts the same every time."
Barnes: "They have a habit of doing that."
Problem No. 1 with writing therapy scenes: They are goddamn boring.
Problem No. 2: If you don't have like a passing acquaintance with psychology or analytic techniques, people say random meaningless shit like that. Do they, bitch? Do dreams "have a habit" of starting the same every time? No, they don't. And if they did, it wouldn't work like this. And if it did, it wouldn't end like this. Stop relying on tropes that were never true, and start thinking about your actual head and how it works, what it is like to be alive. You would think that a writer, being a person, could convincingly write about people. Not always the case. Not always. When you do this, you are taking bad writing and multiplying it by itself. You are Once Upon A Time-ing yourself when you do this.